Lost Forever In A World Of My Own

Entry 3

June 30, 2017

I can't sleep. I can't focus, and so far, all I had was coffee and a couple chocolate chip cookies- at about two. I got out of bed at eleven, when I finally gave up on sleep.

I'm a mess. School is starting soon, and Summer didn't help at all to lessen my bags, which people assumed it would. ( But then again, people are idiots.)

I don't have much of an appetite, I can't really get any food to physically go down my throat- it always feels like there's a lump that I can't get rid of, and I'm always on the verge of crying.

I tried to convince my parents to let the whole "summer classes" thing go, but they didn't even acknowledge that I was saying anything, and instead asked what I had been doing lately in terms of learning Arabic. Repeatedly. Until they fell asleep.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I got in another fight with one of my classmates, and I'm completely devastated. So here's how it happened:

One of my two friends- let's call her Dragon- was talking to my classmate, Star. They both are in the same class as me, so they both knew about my shady image and such. Eventually, they got to the topic of me, and Dragon, knowing the most about me, told Star, "I wish we could help Raven (not my real name) more than she knows." And, well, I really wish she hadn't said that.

The image of myself that I had conveyed to Star was... not very troubled, and preferred to be left alone, in the least. And, so, she decided to do some digging. An avatar- let's call him Zack- appeared on my list of invites. I don't get many invites, so I decided to give him a try, maybe get a follow. He said that he heard about me from a friend, and that he wanted to know more about me. When I prodded for a name, he gave me Star's.

So, when I asked Star about it, she stated that he was simply a childhood friend. That turned out to be a lie.

Hey Star, if you're reading this, I'm still not mad. Just disappointed. To anybody else who knows who I am and goes to our school (including teachers), you're welcome to continue as long as you don't gossip about, or bully anyone around me. Including Star.

And so Zack started asking me questions, occasionally commenting and saying "don't get mad at Star". I didn't really know what that meant, but I assumed it was for telling people about me without permission. I started telling my other friend- Pixie (or Chessie) -about him, and for a while I genuinely believed they were a person. Remember how I said it's easier for me to open up to random people? I actually really meant it.

I decided I wouldn't tell Dragon, in fear she would take it up with Star, and prod for more details. That was on me.

I was figuratively spilling my guts out to Zack. He asked me what I thought about Star, and that's when things took a wrong turn. Star usually had boys lined up, and said that he was a childhood friend. So I, of course, assumed he was an ex or something. So I lied. Told him I hated her, said a bunch of untrue things and even at one time used Hitler as an analogy. Hitler.

I lied about some other things, too. I lied about my sexuality, my childhood, and a few other things. But the thing that bothers me most, till now, is that most of the things were true. I shared my writing, told them about my Wattpad account (revealing my identity), and told them about school from my point of view.

And then, finally, I told Dragon.

I just wish I'd done that sooner.

I texted her. She left it on read. Dead Silence, for a full five minutes. And then she said, "Is his name by any chance Zack?" (That wasn't the actual name she used)

I, concerned now, believed he must've gone through a million girls by now, responded with, "Yea, why?"

There was another couple minutes before she said,

"He's not real."

-Raven-