Lost Forever In A World Of My Own

Entry 15

February 24, 2018

I've decided... To turn the page.

I'm going to do whatever it takes to be happy.

Bear with life until I finally get something out of it- something positive.

So I've transferred schools, took extreme measures to be allowed to, I did things I thought I'd never even hear about.

I've applied to dozens of schools for next year, hopefully it'll be better than at least this one. And even though I'll only be allowed to go to like two, I just kind of needed something to take up my time.

I'm still way too skinny and extremely underweight, but it's nothing I can't hide under jackets and coats and piles of bubble wrap.

Yes, bubble wrap.

I haven't majorly ever cut myself and I'll try my best to keep it that way, because that's a road with very few exits.

My diet is messed up and though I haven't really eaten much all week- everything I eat I have to make for myself and others since there isn't much prepared food around the house with all my sick siblings and parents eating it.

I aced all of my mid terms except two, courtesy of a school where I'm retaking every course except like three. But hey, I need the credits. So yeah, I'm wasting the year and really just trying to get through it.

I'll be going to my home country with my mother's relatives later, after much arguments with my father...it took a lot to even get my mom to go. So we've had this stuff booked for like two years and now we'll have two weddings and some parties to attend and, well, that's not going to sit very well with my stomach. Or sleep schedule. Everybody's going to criticize everything about me, and I'm going to miss a week of school.

Everything is just really loud all the time??? And everything is too bright. The world is so slow and I'm supposed to wait till I'm older to want to be younger but I honestly really want to be a one year old again with no responsibilities and expectations. Scratch that, even one year olds have expectations...we keep dragging the baby along so she'll walk faster.

But I don't want to die. Cuz what if there is life after death?? I'm not going to get a break, so I just want to stop existing or like stop being miserable so I'm trying?

And yes, the clothing is still pissing me off. My uniform is still a long black robe and a headscarf and I kinda wonder what would happen if somebody came to school in hog warts robes...not that I'm giving anybody any ideas.

I guess this is my entry for the week. Or month. Or year. I don't really have an update plan.

I just update when something changes?

Hopefully nothing changes before the end of the year.

-Raven-