A life written to you. Ushijima x writer! Reader

My entitlement

The days was here. I asked the coach who had approved, I had filled out the forms and handed them into the faculty adviser. The coach had pulled me aside half way through the day to tell me that I had been approved as a manager of the Shiratorizawa volleyball club and gave me a run through of all of my duties. After classes had finished, the coach pulled me into the gym and gathered all of the players. The boys looked at me oddly and with a hint of guilt. I look at Ushijima and he remains stoic. I forgot that he hadn't been there yesterday and instead decided to practice for the upcoming training camp. The coach went through the 'we have an important announcement to make' and I took a deep breath.

"Today I applied to become the manager of the males volleyball team. I also received notice that I am to assume that position today. Please take care of me and I'll take care of you. My name is (L/N) (F/N), it's very nice to meet all of you." 

There was silence and then a burst of cheers erupted. The boys all swarmed me except Ushijima who looked  unamused in a way and walked away. Ushijima wasn't one to show any emotion, so why had he looked unamused?  Was I that much of an inconvenience to the team? 

The boys looked where my eyes lingered and they all realised what had just occurred. Some gave me a pat on the back before returning to practice. 

The whole practice I took down the stats of the boys and gave them water to keep them hydrated. Ushijima, every time I  attempted to give him water, he would turn away and continue practice. 

At the end of practice, I approached the coach to give him the statistics of the boys but he simply refused them and pointed to Ushijima. I understood, I had to discuss this with Ushijima.

I slowly walked over to him. I was being cautious, he seemed to not like me and now that I think back to the study days where I helped him, he seemed pretty unamused then. 

"Umm, Ushijima? I have the statistics for today."

Ushijima looked over to me and then at the clip board with the statistics. He continued to stare at the clip board before he spoke.

"Why did you apply for manager? You don't belong here."

Shocked. I was shocked. What had I expected? It was obvious that I didn't belong here, I'm an academic, a writer, of course even Ushijima would notice that. He's right, I don't belong, I should just leave.

"You're right, I don't belong. I'll hand in my resignation form by tomorrow morning." With that, I left the clip board on the bench, took my possessions and left. I broke into a soft sob as soon as I left the gym. I thought I was a realist. This shouldn't affect me the way it did. 

I walked over to the other end of the school and gazed upon the dimly lit flower garden that looked manicured and polished over everyday by the gardening club. This was an amazing place to just salk  and let out all of the sadness that had accumulated. The night mixed with the lights had made the flowers almost glow. They were a symbol of beauty and elegance. Often flowers were the center of artistic creations, like photographs or a turning point in a romantic novel. Why had flowers been the saddest point in my life? 'Beauty creates destruction.' A simple phrase that means a thousand words. Ushijima was beautiful and elegant like a flower, but he was so distraught and cold on the inside. Much like a rose. Is that why he became my muse? Or was his determination and passion for volleyball that caught me? Currently I can't remember, but right now, I wish it was neither of those things. I wish I hadn't noticed him.

I had walked home undisturbed and when I arrived home, I didn't write in my journal, nor did I eat. Instead, I went to sleep, left alone with my thoughts. 

In the morning, I was sick. I went downstairs to obtain a thermometer. My temperature was high and I had a fever. I went to school with a mask to avoid getting others sick. 

I had handed in the form of resignation to the faculty adviser and attended all of my classes. When the boys tried to sit next to me, I move away and used my sickness as an excuse. I felt guilty for not telling them and honestly just wanted to not have to talk to them again. They were always so nice but they would try to fix what happened with Ushijima, but I personally just wanted to forget it all and finish my last year, then go to college.

The boys left me alone for the rest of the day and then left for the training camp the next day.

My life was about to return to the way it was. I was going to become the person trapped in the tower of my own demise with no hope of saving. I almost became a dreamer. Now, I have to return to a realist.