Rimworld: Diary of a Pirate Boss

Entry 11: This too shall pass edition

Day 76:

SouthernLion over at the drug colony Smokesville completed her secondary harvest and processing of flake. Her shipment arrived today via drop-pod. Which is good because I got a call from a Pleasure Cruiser like the one I was on. It sounded like they were in the middle of a party on the bridge. I shit you not, here's what I heard.

*Women and men moaning in the background.

*The guy was wondering if I'd buy used sex slaves. I asked what was wrong with the slaves. Replied that they didn't taste as good anymore. We'll take them, if they are good at growing. Unfortunately none were.

*Heard someone scream about the swimming pool was out of vodka and whipped cream.

*I was talking about the prices of his components when he told a girl to stop shocking his nipples. He missed the price I gave him, so I told him he agreed to sell for 20 silver each. He started moaning and said Yeah that's good. OK buddy, you tricked yourself into giving me a 50 percent discount.

*Some lady took the mike from him and begged me for luci for her dog. I told her this wasn't a glitterworld colony. Yet.

*I sold them 500 kilos of Flake for 35 silver a k. The money these rich forborts got was great. They sold us some sugarcane and bionics- things I didn't expect a pleasure cruiser to have.

*The trader was like "I wanna fly this bitch now. Computer, manual control! Whoooo! That's a lot of moons you got here!" then he hung up.

Two of the guys came back with a guy called Flakey Eddie. One of the cooks saw him and said he recognized him from TV. He builds houses for the rich on the urbworld they're from- real famous guy, too.

So I immediately told him to build 2 hydroponics basins for us. He did a great job with the first and borked the second one. I don't get it! How do you build a basin WITHOUT the bloody hole to put the stuff in?!

Next I had him build the machining table. He got that right, so I had him build the advanced wind turbine. He...apparently forgot to screw the blade assembly on tightly and the blade spun off like a shuriken and splot! Cut Chicken Peete's foot off. Flying Spaghetti Monster PLEASE!

So I gave him an easier task- finish constructing the barracks bathroom. This he did well, never saw a guy work so fast with slate before. It looked really nice. UNFORTUNATELY, when I went to turn on the faucet, I got zapped. Apparently, he wired the electricity to the water pipes to save time and didn't insulate the sink. My hand hurts and my charge rifle is fried. Buddha be pissed! It's gonna take the crew 2 days to clean up his mess.

This dumbass is on hauling duty and chunk deconstruction until we get hauler bots online. And if he fucks that up, he's kibble.

Day 78:

It's time we dealt with Industry. The party I sent after there should have arrived by now. I'm at the Comms Console and the monitor, ready to see what they're up to.

Battle report as it happened.

I see almost all of my guys. Don't see LadyWaiting44 around. Gonna ask about her later.

Oh, there's a caravan with plenty of animals between us and the town. Bonus loot! Yeah!

The squads are moving just like I wanted. Long range guys setting up in the back, mid range guys out of their firing lanes, brawlers taking cover behind trees and ship chunks.

They're sending their guys behind the beanbags. I see more turrets than I'd like. Our long range shots should be able to-

Oh the caravan sees our guys and they wanna rush us. We're now dug in good this ain't smart.

The assblasters are moving forward while our snipers are firing on the turrets and colony. Midrange guys proving suppressing fire, just like I said.

Our brawlers must've triggered the shooters at the colony because they're firing at them. Shit lost one. OMG they hit the caravan animals!

The Caravan's firing on us and the colony! Ain't this some shit?! The autoturrerts are shooting at the caravan now they've gone hostile!

Looks like a lot of screaming between the Caravan and the colony. Oh snapcracklepop! Some guy wearing a red coat just went down and one of the colonists threw her gun on the ground and tackled another colonist! Did he kill her brother?

Our assblasters are moving in on the colony to take out their guns. This is working well.

Long range guy with the Dragonov took out their last sniper. He fired a shot at some wall.

Damn! The wall collapsed! There's something coming out of it. Monsters???

Chief says they're megaspiders; insectoid genetic things our ancestors made to fight the mechanoids. Shit! We aren't outfitted for that kinda fight! Boys you gotta ruun! Get outtta there!

The insectoids, they're numerous. They're going after EVERYONE! Our bullets are barely affecting them! We need fire, grenades, something! Oh hey Crazy Peter took one out with a club. And now he died because the Caravan shot him. Shit! Focus on the monsters! We can kill each other later!

Our crew is grabbing whatever stuff they can from our fallen guys and the caravaners and running for it. That colony is fucked, the insectoids are tearing up everything.

What an epic disaster. An easy win for us has turned into a humiliating retreat. I'm drinking beer at 10am. Might hit the whisky next. The other crew are looking at me. I just smile and say we're doing allright. Don't worry bout a thing.

Evening:

I'm going on the next raid. Looking at the map, that means I'm going to Green Eggs and Ham. For some reason I want to say "sam-I-am" whenever I read that.

This situation is ridiculous. We're about equal with the outworlders, better than the tribals, and completely outgunned by the spacers. We can't hide because we don't have the food supplies for so many people. But we can't win battles against the monsters. Robots are teh key, I believe it.