Roommates with Benefits [18+ only]

51. Feels like home

This chapter does feel a bit ranted, but I hope you'll like it 😖

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I tossed and turned so many times that at some point I just got up from the bed. It was 3 am and I'd just spent the past few hours tormenting myself, dissecting every single moment of this co-living, every single minute spent around Lukas. In 2 months, many things have happened. When he first got here, I was certain I'd kick him out in a week, if not even less, yet on day 1 I ended up in bed with him.

I could say that's the fulcrum of our ... whatever it is. I start prejudiced, dead set on not budging, not even for a minute, not lowering my guard ... he gnaws away at my barriers, making me forget he's supposed to be the enemy.

Granted that now that I know who Sheila really was and her cruel – because, there's really no better word for it – intentions, I don't even feel guilty about sleeping with Lukas on day 1, but I wonder what would have happened, had I known years ago.

Had Lukas Bennet, the guy I knew simply as the king of the school, the epitome of the player, the boy I considered Sheila's boyfriend, approached me in high school, to tell me not to trust my best friend, that she was deceiving me, working behind the shadows to undermine me, cruelly clip my wings, as if I were some bird meant to remain captive of her nastiness.

If Lukas had approached me to tell me all that, would I have believed him? And if I had, what would have happened between us? Nothing. Probably nothing. Back then I was nowhere even close to sparking his interest. And yet I don't think I am now either, but ...

Lukas has become one of the most important people in my life, I would even dare say that outside family, he's the most important to me. Hell, sometimes I couldn't even tell who would I choose between him and Kelly. And I might even believe I mean a lot to him. Despite Sheila's words and everything else, he has proved me, many times, that he cares.

But not to the extreme point I got to. Caring is not loving, is it? He cares about me, he doesn't love me. God knows it would be impossible per se, but yesterday, for a small moment, I even thought he might have – absurdly, incredibly, against every judgment and sense – had feelings for me. But then, who is "Cor"?

I could just ask, couldn't I? I could sit down and have a talk with him, ask him straight away ... have you been in a relationship all this time? Or did you start one recently and you don't know how to tell me? If the answer to either question is yes, why do you keep being so nice to me? Why do you keep calling me names and acting like you couldn't stand a day without seeing me? Why do you keep on touching me, caressing me, hugging me, being affectionate with me, when you have someone else?

In all my tossing and turning, I couldn't chase away the thought of Jason and Leah. Granted that I was a complete and utter blind imbecile back then, not seeing the obvious signs, but Lukas?

Every time I emerge a winner from the most self-loathing, self-doubting part of me that yells at me that Lukas could not possibly want anything to do with me outside the bed, every time I start thinking there's a slim chance he might mean it when he says he's here for the long haul ... something happens that pushes back into the doubts I'd just climbed my way out of.

A mind like mine isn't easy to navigate. It's like an ongoing obstacle course meant to keep me chained to my self-hatred, and the past few weeks have not been easy on me at all. I know it shouldn't have come as a surprise, but Sheila was a huge blow for me.

Even though part of me knew there was something wrong, I had never seen it coming. I thought she'd simply dropped me, which I could have accepted a lot easier. Oddly enough, abandonment is not as hard to get over as betrayal. But discovering all the nastiness, all the cruel plots against me, it was unsettling.