50 Ways To Kill Your Boss

1. Orientation

Intro: Language / graphic violence warning.

~//~

Jay stepped into the nautical-themed hotel, crossing off a line on his bucket list that said "step in something worse than gum".

He had accepted his fate.

And he was fairly sure he wouldn't make it out of this hotel alive.

He breathed in the slightly green-tinted air and flipped off the pirate statue at the front door. Then he caught a whiff of the kitchen.

"gas mask" was added to his shopping list.

Behind the front desk sat a young, fresh, human manifestation of a nintendog, looking at Jay eagerly. And drooling a little.

Jay debated throwing a frisbee to see if this kid would chase it, but decided against it.

"Hi, I'm Jay, I was hired via Grindr." He said, holding out his hand for a handshake.

The kid licked it.

"Jay, my man!" Another man with shaggy surfer hair approached, wearing a janitor's jumpsuit and eating a carrot.

"Person I don't know!" Jay greeted with equal enthusiasm.

"You the new victim? I totally meant to say employee." He totally didn't.

"I'm the new victim." Jay confirmed.

"That's the spirit! Welcome to employment at Sea Chantey Coastal Resort patent pending! Lemme show you around. I'm Brock" Said the guy who looked exactly like the name Brock. "Manager of custodial fancy names that make me sound like not a janitor. This kid's not important."

The kid behind the desk protested. "I'm Kyle and I'm about to be promoted to Events Coordinator!"

"He can't see the future." Brock laughed, leading Jay away. "Only Oprah can. Now let's meet everyone in the wonderful Sea Chanty hotel."

Jay applied sunscreen, frog repellent, and considered a haz-mat suit before following Brock down the hall towards the elevators.

The elevators opened to reveal a couple making out in the back of the elevator. They were dressed like secret agents. "This is Baxter, he's the hotel's lawyer and self-proclaimed law enforcement. He carries a taser and a stick of Hubba Bubba. Don't ask why those don't mix. Also, he's really into Monaco."

"Oh, you like to travel?" Jay asked.

"That's Monaco." Brock pointed to the woman in high heels and a fancy dress like she was out clubbing. They were still making out. "They're married. And she's the manager."

"Of the hotel?"

"Moving on." Brock led Jay away from the elevators entirely and up the stairs.

The stairwell was lined with antique paintings and Jonas Brothers posters, with lipstick smudges and devil horns (on the antiques).

They emerged on the third floor and almost collided with a smiling woman wearing motor oil and a lab coat. Her natural disaster of light-brown hair was held back with a produce-section twist tie, and a pair of binoculars was nested into her hair. The mischievous glint in her brown eyes told Jay she probably wasn't supposed to be on that floor. Or in any place involving customer service or children.

"How much does a polar bear weigh?" She asked Jay directly, her weird yet charming grin widening.

"Um, how much?" Jay wasn't sure if this was a joke or if she was actually testing the weight of the Sea Chantey floors. Just based on this introduction and that paragraph of detail any reader probably skipped over, she seemed like the type who would find a way to get a polar bear into the hotel.