Let's Go For A Pint (Vampire/Humor)

1.10.2 Orlok Syndrome Is NOT A Laughing Matter

"Sorry, I couldn't helf vut overhear vat you vere discussink," he said while stretching out his limbs and realigning himself.

Carmen dropped the bag of Skittles. "What is that thing?" she asked.

"'Vaf fink has a name." He threw his hands up as if he was hanging from the ceiling. "I am Remirusz. You may call me Remi."

Carmen took me by the shoulders and whispered in my ear. "Okay, what's with Orlok Junior appearing all of a sudden?"

"That's how we appear when any of us live well over a thousand. Or if we don't feed on blood for a long time. I doubt it's the latter."

"You don't need to visper, I can hear you kveit vell." Remi folded his arms. "I'm actually kveit young at two hundred fifty. And vesides, I'm vay more handsome than Lukasz."

"I call bullshit on that!" Carmen crouched down to pick Skittles off the floor. "You're probably some perv who wants to shag up the princess here before her wedding." She shuddered then proceeded to eat another handful.

"You're not ze only one hoo has trouble velievink I'm Lukasz's younger vrozer."

"Wait a second, you're his brother?" I wasn't too surprised that Lukasz had other siblings. It's quite common among the nobles to keep away the "ugly" kids from the spotlight, especially with a condition that Remi had. We're vain, after all.

"It's zee Orlok Syndrome. Ze name for my condition is fairly new vut it's veen around for as lonk as ve'f existet. Ven I vent to sleef for my change I voke uf like dis. Vecause I can't keef human afearance the clan doesn't include me in puvlic events. Vif all ze free time I have I learned a lot of tinks, includink English. If not for my fanks I can speak vetter."

Carmen snickered the moment she heard Orlok Syndrome. I agree it's a silly name to give the vampire version of progeria, but it's a serious condition highlighting the importance we place on vanity.

"Remind me to laugh at you when you start developing crow's feet," I said to her.

Carmen cleared her throat then apologized. "Sorry. Cabin fever is starting to sink in. By the way, is there a way out of here?"

I nodded with my eyebrows raised. "Preferably in one that doesn't end up in me having to marry him in another century."

Remi shook his head hard. "Vile he can marry any oter voman in the novility clans, you, Ileana, are the closest to royalty vy vlood through your vazer. He vill not settle for lover. It's also rumoured you have ze ability to cross vater. You do not fear drowning in it."

"That's just it. A rumour. I'm just smart enough to know there aren't any souls willing to drag me back to the underworld."

"I think the rumour is true, Lena," Carmen pointed out. "You weren't screaming like the rest of the other vampires on the plane."

"Fine, I'll admit it. I can cross water. But I won't share it with him so this clan can invade and annex more territory. It's my gift and I get to choose who gets it."

"Lukasz von't like zat attitude. He'll get it from you one vey or anozer." He took a couple steps towards us. "Zer is a vey zat ve can fool him. I know of a girl who is a fig fan of him. I can take her to ze vitch who—"

"Bitch or Witch?" Carmen snickered. "I'm sorry, I can't help it."

"Vitch, not vitch. Kurwa mać! Idę w czwartek do dentysty." He took out a phone and searched the internet. Surprisingly enough the cell signal was strong in the castle. If only our phones weren't confiscated. "See? Vitch!" He pointed to a picture of the Wicked Witch of the West.

"Okay, okay, I get it now."

"As I vas sayink, ze vitch can make dis girl look like Ileana and it should keep him occupiet. She also can cross vater so you won't have to share it vit him."

While the plan was a promising idea, I didn't trust Remi and neither did Carmen. We huddled in a corner of the room deciding whether to go with this plan or not. I could've sworn a seam ripped along the way there so that must've been a good sign.

"You're not going along with this, are you?" Carmen didn't have to ask but she knew my answer.

"The offer's tempting. Remi's been sidelined by his clan and must have some resentment towards them."

"I don't trust him either, but I'm not going to wait for help to come find us."

"You don't think that—"

"I trust that James and Max are able to rally some to rescue us, but if we can snag that phone—"

"We can get a message out to them. Good thinking Carmen. I'll—"

Carmen placed her hands on my shoulders. I was certain a pin was sticking out from there but it didn't seem to bother her. "Stay here. You tagging along for this part will fuck things up. I'll go with him. Their concern is with you and not me. I'm not going too far."

While it felt totally out of my character, I pulled Carmen in close to give her a hug. "Thanks Carmen. I have faith in you."

We separated and Carmen approached Remi. "Okay, Orlok, I'm coming with. There better not be any funny business going on while we do this."

He grinned. "Hold on tight." He changed into a flock of bats and after flying once around the room he swooped up Carmen and carried her out the window.

"This isn't possible!" She yelled as she was carried out, her voice trailing off as she flew further away.

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Hmm ... I wonder where Carmen flew off to? Anyway Remi's accent is my best at having someone with an exaggerated overbite and bucktoothed fangs. Here's a large image of Count Orlok for reference:

I'm aware the fangs don't go down too far but Remi's would be a little longer just enough for /b/'s and /p/'s to turn into /v/'s and /f/'s

Whether or not I got Remi's accent down correctly, in your opinion what's your favourite accent when someone speaks your native language (whether that native language is English or you're a polyglot)?

You know the drill! Leave a vote! Share! and most of all .... comment!