Let's Go For A Pint (Vampire/Humor)

4.0 Detective

Carmen is in Metro City for the weekend and I have the apartment for myself. While I planned on staying home and avoiding any instances of social interaction, I ended up going to Talia's. Someone was willing to buy me a drink and I couldn't turn down the offer of a free drink. That someone is James. He finds me intriguing and has taken an interest in me. No, he hasn't fallen in love with me or developed an infatuation yet. If he does, it makes me wonder if his previous relationship with a "vampire" has taught him anything.

So after a couple of drinks he takes me to the nearest subway entrance about an hour's walk from the parking lot. I assure him I'm fine on my own, but he uses his upbringing by witches as an excuse. Men must revere women as if the Goddess herself is in their presence. He would've ridden home with me and made sure I arrive there safely. Anyway, I descend into the station but don't go past the fare gates. After a few trains pass I ascend to street level and take the long way home. There isn't even stop anywhere near the apartment. Got him good!

About halfway the police block my route. I see SWAT vans and someone from the drug busting unit. I inhale deeply the night air, or what filled it. It's the sweet smell of—

"Miss, you shouldn't be here."

I turn around and there was a police officer. I don't recognize him instantly, but I know he has been on the force since, well, my first time here. "Let me guess, you're the great times six grandson of Lawson Odum?"

He chuckles. "I broke away from the Odum family two generations ago. My brother, however, is still keeping that name."

Right. Twins. Identical ones too. Last time I encountered the guy he didn't dye his red hair black.

I look at his nametag and on it was C. Vonner. "I guess I can't pass through here?"

"Not at the moment, no. Let's talk somewhere else, shall we?"

I follow him to a spot not too far from the crime scene but far enough for a private conversation. "So, marijuana bust?"

"Yep. And a grow house too. So, Helen—"

"I go by Lena now."

"Lena, sorry, how are things?" Vonner scratches his head, careful to not push off his cap. "And when did you get back here?"

Great, this is the welcome I get for returning after a long absence. Then again, Vonner usually stayed here more often than his twin. "A year ago, but I moved to an apartment in near the centre about three months ago? Maybe earlier but I'm not one to keep track of these things until tax season."

"Keeping track of time isn't really our thing."

"Definitely."

He pulls out a cigarette, lights it up, and exhales a puff of smoke. "Though I think you should've joined the force when you returned or at least the Supernatural Unit. The force could use more vampires. We seem to be recruiting a lot of shapeshifters but you know how they work. Some have to take that one night of the month off or else they stay trapped in animal form."

In some ways I agree with him. Whether you're vampire, shifter, witch, heck if ghosts can talk to humans properly we'd be a justice league of our own. We'd solve the case and catch the "bad guy" in half the time. The thing is most vampires I know, probably it's just me, aren't fans of joining the police force. We'd rather go about and causing trouble. That or we aren't a fan of the rigid rules imposed by law enforcement. You'd most likely find me solving crimes on my own. Others may team up with private detectives and lend their skills in solving whatever the police refuse to do. Sure I can do that but they don't seem to pay you for these services. There was an instance in which I went into private detective crime solving mode, and that was to help Carmen.

"Officer Vonner!" A heavy set man wearing a suit and tie walks over to us. "How many times have I told you no smoking on the job?!"

Vonner taps the ashes from his cigarette and narrows his eyes at the large man.

"Oh don't you stare at me like that," Mr. Bald and Fat spits, his slobber putting out the cigarette. "If I had known I'd be working with vampires and shapeshifters, I'd turn down the offer immediately."

"You are aware of whom you are talking to, are you?" Vonner reaches into his pocket to take out another cigarette and his lighter.

"I don't give a rat's ass you're a captain in the Super's Unit," Bald and Fat says pointing a ballooning finger at Vonner, his face reddening. "When you're with me, I'm the superior officer. Is that understood?"

Vonner sighs as he puts away his cigarette. "Understood, Captain van Vuuren."

"Now march your ass back to the crime scene and redirect any pedestrians away from there." He takes the same pointing finger and points to where Vonner spotted me earlier. Vonner says nothing and returns to work.

And before Captain van Vuuren can do the same, he takes one good look at me and asks, "Have I seen you before?"

I tilt my head to the left and scratch behind it. "If I say that, it's gonna mess up the story I'm telling." To be honest, I had no idea at that time the pig was taking over a precinct, let alone as captain.

Van Vuuren looks around to see if I have an audience. Upon finding no one, he shrugs and walks back to the crime scene.

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Supernatural creatures make the best crime solving partners out there. Do you have a favourite police procedural or detective show/film/book/whatever? Again if the questions suck and you would rather read on, then you know the drill.

Edit 07/04/2017: While I should fix up any errors in my earlier episodes, I'll dedicate episode 4 to maybeiwas2shy who has a mystery thriller involving vampires in progress.

Edit 23/02/2018: added more content to put this in line with the other cold openers. Also the ending bit is a reference to the Episode 2 Bonus

Song featured: "Sleepwalk" by Santo and Johnny