The One Who Got Away

Chapter 21

She was already strapped to her seat. Her key was dangling from the ignition waiting for her to twist it on when she stopped. In the midst of all the thoughts and emotions swirling through her head, one clear thought rang through, ‘Why am I running away again?’ 

Fear. Pride. Shame. Hurt. Anger. Grief. Envy. Love. She ran away from all those feelings because they were too much for her to bear. But years of running got her nowhere. She realized that all the feelings she’d been running away from had been with her all along, just hiding.

She’d only be fooling herself if she ran away again. She took off the key from the ignition, unstrapped herself and retraced her steps back to the studio. Her steps quickened to a run as she got closer and closer to the studio. Now that she had realized she’s done with running away, if she’s going to do any running it would be towards the things and people that matter and not away from them. One thing the past month taught her was that Kwon Jiyong no matter how much he had hurt her in the past still mattered.

She was out of breath when she reached the door. Jiyong was still in the same position as she had left him. He turned surprised at her sudden re-entrance. He stood up happiness shining in his eyes seeing that she had come back. He was about to say something but Dara halted him.

“We need to talk.” She managed to speak out in between gasps.

She took him to the rooftop, this was where she ended things with him before. It’s gone full circle now. It took them six years to get back here. Six years of trying to get away but never getting anywhere. The chips may fall where they may but she’s telling him everything now. 

What happens after Dara isn’t certain but Jiyong needs to know that much she is sure of. The baby she carried for that short blip in time deserved to be remembered. That despite the briefness of his or her existence, his or her life had mattered. Dara realized six years too late that by hiding the truth about the life they had unknowingly created she had reduced their baby's life into insignificance.

“We ended here six years ago. I let you go. I was a coward then. I may still be one because I’m scared, Jiyong. I’m scared of what will happen when I tell you what happened after.” She pulled the still silent Jiyong towards a bench and made him sit.

She turned towards him. “This is hard, Jiyong. I’ve carried this with me for years. I’m sorry. I had years to get used to it but it still hurts as hell. Promise to hear me out first before you react.” She gripped his hand and looked at him. He nodded. 

“I didn’t know it, Ji. I was too young to know the signs but I was pregnant then and I only found out because I had severe stomach pains. But the baby...our baby wasn’t meant to be from the start. Something was wrong and they had to take the baby out. They told me I was starting to bleed inside because the baby...it was growing inside one of my tubes and not inside my womb. I’m sorry, Ji." She paused for a moment to compose herself. 

"I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry that I was selfish with the truth. I hated you then for having moved on so fast I didn’t think you deserved to know. I was stupid and hurt and scared. I didn’t know what to do with everything I was feeling and there you were happy with Kiko that I also felt justified in keeping it from you. I thought there was no sense in disrupting your happiness for a baby that was no longer there.”

Jiyong felt as if he was living in a nightmare and he couldn’t move. He wanted it to be a nightmare because at least if it was he could still wake up. He sat there unmoving, listening to Dara speak. Dara asked him to listen first before he reacted. It was actually easy for him to do so because his mind was initially frozen, unable to accept the truth that he just heard.

“Ji...” She was starting to get worried. “Please say something. Anything. Kwon Jiyong!”

“I...” He stood up as if in a daze. “I need to think. I... c-can’t... Fxxk!”

Dara stood up as well and was about to touch his arm but he moved away from her. She froze. “Fxxk! Fxxk! Fxxk!” He was almost shouting and he was leaning over one of the railings now.

He caught a glimpse of the time from his watch. It was almost 6pm. “You’re needed at the station.” He suddenly said in an expressionless voice. “You can go.”

“But, Ji... What about you?” Dara hesitated, refusing to leave him alone.

“You survived six years carrying that secret alone. I’ll survive this as well. I don’t need you to babysit me.” He told her coldly. “Go!”

“Ok. If that is really what you want, then I’ll leave.” Dara said sadly. “I understand. You need time alone but I’m just a call away when you need me.”

He turned his back on her. He needed her to leave because he was about to break down and he didn’t want her to see him do that. He felt he didn’t deserve her comfort because he blamed himself for not being there with her when it happened. He waited for her footsteps to fade away before allowing the anguish that he kept at bay consume him.