**2016 WATTYS WINNER FOR VISUAL STORYTELLING**
Letting her appearance fall to the wayside and desperate to find a reason for her life, Marilyn sits half naked in an Urgent Care examination room with a mysterious skin itch. If she can survive the hum...
Honesty and love. That's why I saw myself in her eyes. When a person doesn't love herself enough to be honest about who she is and what she wants, she's going to feel empty. She's going to feel as though she's surrounded by cruelness. She's going to feel lost and never good enough. In short, if a person defines herself with lies and self-loathing, she's going to be--
An imposter with imposter syndrome. I shake my fists at the ceiling and let out a small [GRRRR]. It was right there! Ex-Bot put my name on a check-off list, and I let him. He exposed my refusal to honor my true worth, and all I did was hide the exposure with more excuses and lies.
I glance at my distorted reflection in the shiny surface of the bed pan sitting on the counter. The truth I see now sort of pisses me off--pun intended. I survive life, but never live it. I attempt to be the person of my dreams, but don't love the person I am. No wonder why I keep seeing distorted reflections all around me--there's an imposter living inside my skin.
Switching my attention from bed pan reflections to anti-nakedness, I shimmy my gray granny panties into a pair of jeans and pull a pair of fabric boot slippers over my feet. I get the reflection thing, I think to myself. Law of Mirrors. I've always kinda understood that stuff--intuitively. I get that I can control the reflections around me. So why's my life such a shit-show?
The exhaustion of an eventful day has me rubbing my tired eyes with my hands, massaging the eyelids in round, circular motions like--goggles.
There's your shit-show producer.
Mortification Goggles made me look like a fool when McSexy first entered my examination room. Doubt Goggles had me second guessing the advice I gave McSexy regarding how he should handle SilverFox. Insecurity Goggles had me making water sounds at the faucet so PamPam wouldn't think less of my hygiene practices. Pee Goggles had me--
Wait! My heart speeds up as the current thought gets closer to full consciousness. It wasn't Pee Goggles! I made SilverFox lick his lips because I wasn't wearing any goggles at all!
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I retrieve my medication instruction sheet and shove it carelessly in my purse. Then for whatever reason, I fold the hospital gown and lay it neatly on the end of the bed.
It's possiblethese hives WERE fate, I think to myself. I mean--seriously--this would make a great Wattpad story. Snickering internally, I add, Wouldn't that be crazy? Spend years working on that Fancy Lady project, only to strike Wattys gold with a silly story about Urgent Care.
Maybe I was destined to have an ass full of hives--on this exact day--in this exact hospital. But--
Something was still missing. My life hadn't turned out the way I wanted it to. Sure, I could take off goggles. I could pay closer attention to how I react to the reflections around me. I could be honest with myself and stop being an imposter. I could seek out experiences and people that feel homey instead of high. But even if I did all those things, I wouldn't necessarily have the blind faith needed to believe in the possibilities of my most deep-rooted desires.
