Faint sounds (Kousei x Kaori fanfic)

Chapter 12: Dust

I rarely had one of these nights... Those nights where I woke up from suffocation or sudden sadness, the feelings of which made present because of Kaori. I loved her, I loved so much that it was destroying me.

But she was dead. And up until now, I was still grieving as if I was wrapped around the bittersweet past. She was no longer here, yet I still refused to believe and ponder on our memories together while time continued to pass by.

What hit me the most to bring me down my lowest point that night was how her memories were slowly turning into dust. I was becoming dust to her.

I took a glance at the time, I needed air. I needed time. I left the tent and found Tsubaki by the bridge, she was allured by the cascading warm leaves of Autumn. Her hazel eyes hinted a sense of loneliness, approaching her I remembered her confession, how long has it been since then?

We promised we'd be friends but what I thought was right made me feel like an idiot for doing so.

"Hey,"

"Sup," Tsubaki replied

"You seem down, are you okay?" I asked

She heaved a sigh, I could sense the heavy atmosphere slowly building up.

"Kousei, I want you to genuinely smile," she answered, "I'm your best friend, I can read you like a book and I know your bottling up those emotions."

My eyes dulled, I'm not surprised she knew. It's written all over me and sometimes I do wish I could genuinely smile, sliding down the pit is easy but piecing yourself back together. It felt like hell.

"I want myself to smile too," I responded "but... Something is stopping me, my happiness is always disappearing,"

"Happiness comes and goes and so does sadness," Tsubaki explained, "Happiness does not exist without sadness like how endings of a song are none existence without a beginning."

She entwined her warm fingers with my frigid, cold ones. We didn't comment about the action and continued to watch the falling, dead leaves.

"I'm scared of happiness," I whispered

"I know you are, but at least put the effort to stand up to it. Kaori did that before she died and just cause she's not here you're going to continue being a wimp," She responded aggressively tightening her grip

"She lives here," Tsubaki added pointing at my heart

Gently I closed my eyes and began to visualize her calling me names, laughing with me and so on. I didn't want to let her go just yet, just a bit more time... Then a memory of us jumping off the bridge suddenly came up I drew a sweet smile on my lips.

I tucked a lock behind Tsubaki's ear, she blushed and looked away pouting. My monotone world started illustrating a hint of pale colours, I heard a sigh of relief from Tsubaki.

"Like that?" I asked grinning

"Yes, I bet Kaori would want to see that smile," she responded

"Thank you, Tsubaki,"

Gradually my grasp loosened and went back to take my medication. I was ready to enjoy this trip and makeup with Rei, that's what went through my head until I saw him.

He sat on the log chatting along with the teacher, I don't remember the last time I saw him, probably 2 years ago but he was here. I didn't jolt in happiness, I just stood there in awe wondering why he was here.

"Dad," I uttered

"Kousei, we're going home," he demanded

He smiled as an etiquette gesture, I resented him. The fact he left me after mom died made my blood boil, his work was too important so he left me to grieve alone.

"Is it necessary? I just arrived yesterday," I reasoned

He heaved a sigh and massaged his temples, it was his sigh of showing stress. He slipped a form out of his bag and scanned it.

"What's the point if you can't even do anything physical. You have cardiomyopathy, a heart disease!" he exclaimed

I heard a yawn from inside. Watari must be awake, I didn't have time to argue with him and I didn't want Watari knowing, so I swallowed my pride.

"Fine, please don't be so loud dad there are people sleeping,"

We left the campsite and drove all the way back home, I was frustrated, angry and wished he never came. Both of us were silent throughout the drive and the atmosphere was heavy, he took short glances at me but I didn't return any back.

Finally, after hours of driving, he spoke.

"I didn't mean to ruin your camp,"

"You already did,"

"I already scheduled your surgery, it'll be about 2 weeks from now,"

He pulled over and I slammed the door out of frustration, I sprinted back to my room locking the door and forcibly opened my drawers. 'I wonder if Kaori still remembers,' I thought, I slipped her letter out of the envelope and began to memorize each letter, I felt frozen in time though I never held resentment on staying in the past.

I composed myself before entering the living room where my father sat doing paperwork and business.

"Why did you leave?" I questioned "after mom died you just left me, and I grieved alone,"

"Business," he answered shortly

"And that's more important to you? Instead of me..." I blurted

"I left you because I didn't want to grieve, I left to do business to lock myself from feeling anything! And I'm sorry I left you, okay?!" He retorted "I lost your mother before.... I don't want to lose you,"

"Yeah right..."

We ate our meals together just like before as a family, but the atmosphere was tense and heavy. Both of us avoided eye contact, conversations and gave each other the silent treatment, all I thought about was the letter from Kaori and I wanted to tell her everything when we meet. Everything I never told her in the real world.

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Sorry for updating wayyy too long. A commenter from my previous chapter wanted a Kaori and Kousei moment, and I needed this chapter to be coherent to the next soo, for those who want a Kaori and Kousei moment. I promise next chapter will have that content. 

Also I got exams so... I'll probably update late again xD 

See you guys in chapter 13~