Intent 2: Fight or Flight [Wattys 2017] (ON HOLD)

Chapter 35

I brush some loose hairs behind her ear, hoping that it'll provide some form of comfort for her in this emotional time. Who know's if it actually does but touching her in this small way is doing me a world of good.

Afterall Emma is my comfort, my port in the storm, my sounding board... simply put Emma is my everything even after the way I've treated her. I wouldn't be me without Em. I owe her so much and I doubt she even realizes it.

So why the hell did I flinch away from her?

I still can't believe I had that reaction to her of all people. Can't even explain to you why or how it happened. It was like everything was going in slow motion. Emma had told me what happened and I was trying to keep my calm reaction although my insides were burning inside with the the thought of EM doing that with some other man. I barely had control of anything as I spent every ounce of my energy to keep reserved in this moment.

Then I made the connection and it just about killed me.

There isn't a single ounce of me that believes that what happened between Jessica and I was Emma's fault because it wasn't. There was nothing she could do. Jessica was going to get to me no matter what happened. I can't believe I ever once had a redeemable thought about that girl, I'm only repulsed by her now.

Uninvited Jessica popped into my head.

I could hardly handle to cruel coincidence of these circumstances. Two of the worst things that have ever happened to me occurred in the same bloody night. I was with Jessica, Em was with someone else... I just– it's painful, that's all I can really say about it. Thinking about it too hard now would just bring it all back to the surface and I don't want that, not when I have Emma here visibly shook and in need for me to be the stable one right now.

And yet, knowing she loves me and knowing I love her, I flinched.

I fucking fliched.

I could kick myself, I probably should.

And still it happened. Before I knew Emma surprised me and put her hands on my jaw, started to lean in with clear intent to kiss me and it was like the jolt of energy buzzed through me and I couldn't take it.

Emma was right there, so close I could feel her breath against my lips... so much of me wanted her to close the gap and link our lips, but the rest of me screamed no.

It was completely unintentional, I never meant to hurt her although I know I did. In the split second when my body tensed and shivered away from her and Em noticed, a little something flashed in her eyes.

Guit.

Fear.

Uncertainty.

I caused that and I feel like a prat. Good job I've had far too much practice feeling this way.

It's one of the worst things in the world to be rejected by someone you love. The feeling is one equal to an elephant standing on your chest and never moving. The heaviness in the heart as it continues to beat is almost impossible to push aside because when you love someone that deeply it's suddenly all you can think about. The feeling consumes you and when that is suddenly questioned... well it's like nothing makes any sense.

I hate that I did that to her.

But again, it was a natural reaction to what was happening even if I didn't mean to do it. I hate to say it but what happened between me and Jessica has shifted something inside me. I wish it didn't but has. Now it's like something is always lingering inside. I can still feel this small sense that she's still there, that violation that is fucking Jessica.