roll, roll, roll your joint / twist it at the ends / light it up and take a puff / now pass it to your friend
{or the short story inspired by the song 'cigarettes and cush'}
STARTED+COMPLETED: 01/06/17
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"hey, dan, it's marcus. listen, there's been a car accident."
➵
dan wanted to lie to himself, to pretend that phil wasn't the reason he was here. but deep down, he knew that was bullshit.
he stood by what he had told phil, grieving was stupid. his intention was to get over what had happened before it could hold him back. and so, he booked a session with a shrink.
the woman sitting across from dan didn't seem to notice that he wasn't paying attention. she continued talking in that bright and cheerful voice that made dan want to slap her. instead, he opted to nod politely and pretend to be listening.
the truth was, since he'd found out about phil, the world seemed to be muffled. he couldn't hear anyone, he couldn't focus on anyone. all he heard was the voice in the back of his mind telling him it was his fault.
it was torture, and there was no way to escape.
"did you go to his funeral?" the lady asked, watching dan expectantly. dan glanced at her desk, reading that her name was leslie. he had no idea how phil could stand her, let alone talk to her about his problems.
"did you manage to get to phil's funeral?" she repeated once phil didn't answer.
he reluctantly shook his head.
"why not?"
"i couldn't."
"have you visited his grave at all?"
dan shook his head immediately, to stop her from repeating the question.
"well, that would be a good first step. it will help you accept that he is truly gone."
"i can't."
"well, i would strongly recommend it."
dan slouched back in his seat, ready to ignore her for the rest of the hour. this was supposed to help him? all she'd done was tell him to go to the grave, when he'd clearly said he couldn't.
well, this was her job. maybe dan would try it, if just to say that he had.
➵
later that day, dan found himself kneeling in the fresh soil, in front of the space where phil was buried. he couldn't wrap his mind around how close he was to him.
he clutched the flowers he'd brought tightly in his hands as he watched the sun set on the horizon. the reds swirled with oranges and pinks. it was beautiful. phil would like it.
it was windy, though. the wind seemed to howl dan's name and then whisper it, making him turn around every few seconds. it then blew leaves around the empty yard, making dan shiver.
he forced his eyes back to the soil, feeling a chill travel up his spine as he did so. "hi, ph—"
typical. he still couldn't say his name out loud. he sighed, and started again.
