Inception ➳ Niall Horan

[xiii] déjà vu

                [xiii]

             [amber] [June 21, 2014] 

           Paris. I've never been to this city before, I'll tell you that. It's definitely a wonderful one though— I'd seen pictures and all obviously and I'd heard my parents talk about their honeymoon here something like forty years ago. That was one story they loved telling all the relatives along with the childhood of my five other siblings, me excluded. It's like no one remembers what mine was like— hell, my Mum doesn't even remember what my first word was. It was only after Penny, my eldest sister told me, was when I came to know that it was fork. Pretty unusual but I'm kind of thankful it wasn't Mum or Dad. 

         When the tour started, I thought this exquisite feeling of already having lived this before would go away after a couple of days. You know, sometimes you experience something like Déjà Vu, and I do believe in that concept. But this a little.. scary, to put it right away. I, for once, am totally shy and reserved person when it comes to new people so my open and bold attitude towards everyone, especially Niall, was a complete surprise to me as well. I found myself laying on the bed on the night of the first day of tour and wondered if I was myself or not.

       This feeling or this inkling— to put it another way, is starting to creep me out. Basically everything that happens makes me feel that it has happened before but at the same time, I don't really get any vision or I don't even remember anything. Obviously since I know I haven't experienced it all before, but then I don't understand how this happens either. I'm either going crazy or well.. that's the only possibility.

          For instance, yesterday by the river with Niall. It was a simple moment with him but I guess I kept up a good cover over my actual flustered and shaky self. Niall— to think I met him just about a week before is a fact I find hard to digest. Even Faith knows how I find it difficult to socialize with new people, I take some time to get used to them. I was the same with even Faith, and I hate to mention it but even with Trent. Another thing that has me shocked is, I don't even care about the breakup anymore. I cried my guts out for the first couple of days sure, but now I don't even care at all. It's like nothing happened and I wonder if I even loved him anytime. 

         My sudden change of behaviour and basically my whole attitude is confusing me in return. I'd consider talking to Faith, but she just thinks it's good that I'm trying to come out of my awkward shell. I don't know why I'm like this, but I think I can blame my quite ignorant family for the way I have turned out. It's funny how I have this totally confident cover to myself, but it all seems to fade into the background when I actually have to have a proper conversation with someone.

       So much thinking literally bought me to tears as it was not only confusing me, but scaring me. Along with my social behaviour, a lot had changed. Like I said, the feeling of having experienced something. Especially yesterday at the river, it was something completely different. I don't know if it's just my ease with Niall that I strangely find difficult to cope with, or something else. I can't really explain this properly, and I guess talking to someone will make it better. But that's the problem, I don't know whom I should talk to. Faith, who only thinks this is good for me, or Niall who I barely know but am in so ease with. It's just fucking confusing.

       Running a hand through my auburn hair and leaving a groan of frustration, I padded across the hotel room in which I was alone, to the other side. I pulled open the first drawer of the dresser, and fished out something that I hold close to me when I just really need something or someone. I examined the old, copper locket in my hand. It was an opening one with two tiny photo frames in it, and it had pictures of my grandparents. Sounds like a lame thing for an almost twenty year old to use when she's down instead of something like ice-cream, but this works for me.