Will You Promise Me? (BTS x Reader Fanfic) [Completed]

Let me talk selfishly for a moment (Not An update)

Hey guys, it's a me MARIO- Jks Jks it's just Author-Nim ^-^'

Warning includes: thoughts about suiciding, death and a bunch of slice of life about me so you can skip if you're not interested, it's not an update after all...

You know how one time I said that I wanted to die so many times before but couldn't do it because I was scared of the pain of hurting myself. ((Referring to the Author Note at the bottom of the chapter: A Dream isn't a dream when it's a Nightmare or something like that))

Well it has gone worse...

I've been crying and became more emotional about it once a week, I've been unusually more softer, fragile, weak... Pathetic... Just plain pathetic...

I kept having even more suicidal thoughts... I had thoughts of how I wanted to die, what would happen after I had died, who would cry over my death and wondered if everything would be better without me... Which sadly, I thought it was better for everyone.

I don't know if this is depression or just me being totally insanely irrational!
It's just I want to stop living this life, I made too many mistakes that I can't rewind and I hate how I lived my life... I just hate myself so bad... If I were to meet myself, I would've hated her... She's idiotic, foolish, desperate and pathetic...

There was this one time in sports class, we were doing hurdles and crap. But as a stout shorty I am, it was clearly impossible for me to hop over but I dunno why but I had naively thought I could've jumped over it or at least jump anyways. When I first ran over there and attempt jumping over my first hurdle, I lost my timing and failed to jump. I laughed it off but as soon as I jumped back in line, I jumped into one of my friend's arms. She had thought I was being overly dramatic and pretended to cry since that's what I would've done but to her surprise I bursted into tears.
I remember saying over and over, "I can't do it... I can't do it..." I never felt so vulnerable, shameful and pathetic—crying within school grounds, stupidly crying over something so trivial. I tried to smile through my tears, hoping I could stop those stupid tears but they kept falling and falling. Many of my friends from that sports class comforted me while patted my back and hugging me. Then I had noticed my teacher putting out smaller hurdles, I hated it... I never felt so pathetic in my entire life I felt that I must've been so low that I would need a disable. It had hurt my pride so bad and made me cry so much. "I'm so pathetic," I had said.
She was a great friend, she comforted me and cooed me saying positive things like, "You can do it." "You'll do great" "You're not pathetic" "You have nothing to be ashamed about."
Thanks to her, she helped me calm down. And don't worry, I was able to jump the hurdles... Well I knocked them all down but at least I had tried. After the lesson my teacher was concerned about me and thought there was a different reason on why I had cried, I just jokingly said that it was a random outburst of emotion, PUBERTY. We laughed it off but she was right, I cried because of my stupid pathetic-ness.

I get it, my extreme low self-esteem is really bad. My friends tell me a bunch of compliments but I just don't see it.... Or maybe they don't see how flawed I am...
If my friends knew who I really was... They wouldn't have wanted to be closer to me. They would feel awkward around me, pity for me and no moment later would distance themselves from me...

But hey I'm used to it... I've felt this social pain before, of being isolated or being rejected by your only friends that I have naively thought were my friends... Just because I was boring...

As years go by I grew stronger as I had grown more independent and didn't like to be dependant as I didn't want to be a burden and not to be a reason for them to leave me. I created this facade of being happy, smile and say that my life is normal so that no one needed to concern themselves with me... As I have said, no one really wants to know a person that deeply—especially if it was me...
I act like an open book, I act boldly as if I have nothing to hide. I always felt like I was a real person—I hated being fake and never was fake... Maybe these were just words to me....