Begin Again

I want.

I'm at a loss for words. How the hell did this happen? Why the hell did this happen? Is this some sort of sign saying I should be with Connor? Is it a sign saying I should be with Mack? What the actual hell is going on?! I need to get the fuck out of here.

"If you'll excuse me, my dad is calling me. I'll se you two around." I said, quickly scattering out of the kitchen. I felt bad leaving Mack and I felt bad not explaining anything to Connor, but I seriously just needed to get out of that situation.

I run to the bathroom which is luckily vacant. As I step in I'm thoroughly surprised at how clean it is. I would expect to see puke, pee and alcohol all over but all I see is a couple empty Bud Light cans and some red cups.

I take a couple deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. Yes, that was an awkward situation but you and Connor talked about this. He knew that this was a possibility and I know that he could be hooking up with some other girl right now. That is what we agreed on. We need this weekend to see how we truly feel.

But you see...that's the problem.

I liked kissing Mack and I like Mack. But I don't know if I like him more than Connor. It's not like I was thinking of Connor while I was kissing Mack, but I do wish it was him I saw when we pulled away.

Fuck! I think I have my answer. But how do I tell Connor that I need him after he just saw me hooking up with some other guy.

How do I tell him that he is the only one I want to be with. That he's the one I think of before I go to bed, or that I want it to be him calling me whenever my phone rings. I want to be able to graduate with him, go to prom with him, and go to the draft with him. I want to see him succeed in everything he does, and I want to be right beside him while he does it. I want to be with him the day he gets drafted, the day he plays his first NHL game, or gets his first NHL point, his first goal, his first hatrick. I want to be there when he raises the Stanley Cup. I want him to point at me when he scores. I want to sit with all the WAGS cheering him on. I want my kids to have Connor as a father. I want them to grow up to be as humble and kind and sincere and intelligent and funny and loving as him. I want him to know that the girl he loves is in the stands cheering for him, always. Because I love him.

I am head over heels in love with Connor McDavid!

If only I knew how to tell him...