Haikyuu One Shots

Kagehina: Empty // part 1

TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, depression, suicide
also i have a published continuation of this story! it's called Happier, see my profile to check it out!

An empty feeling fills Kageyama's stomach. He runs his fingers lightly up and down his arms. Skin that was once smooth is now littered with small, shallow cuts. He has never been able to bring himself to cut any deeper and it makes him feel weak. He wants to feel the pain of a blade cutting entirely through his skin, but he can't. He never can.

Kageyama lays his head on his desk, his hand continually clenching and unclenching. Why does he feel this way, why has he felt this way for so long? How can he make it stop?

Questions clutter his mind, but he doesn't have the courage to ask anyone. No one knows about this, not even his loving boyfriend, Hinata.

Kageyama so badly wants to tell Hinata, but it would make Hinata upset and that's the last thing Kageyama wants to do. He never wants to see a frown on his little sunshine's face.

I'm sure it's just a growing up thing, he thinks to himself. Other people go through the exact same thing, right? Kageyama takes a shower, even though it is much earlier than he usually would. He rubs his wrists, wrenching ring bits of pain out of the cuts. As long as it doesn't get worse than this, everything will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

~~~~~~~~~

Hinata is basically jumping off the walls at practice today, as usual. Kageyama smiles when he sees the ginger boy.

"Hey, Kageyama!" Hinata runs over to Kageyama, hugging him furiously.

"Oi. I saw you like, yesterday, what's the big deal?" Kageyama exclaims.

"Well, 12 hours is a long time. And you weren't answering my texts. You could've been dead for all I know!"

"Ok I'm sorry. I had a lot of school work and I was really tired." Technically both of his statements were true. But it's not like he completed his assignments. And he had seen the texts from Hinata, and had wanted to respond so badly, but he couldn't think of anything to say. He wanted to be able to talk to Hinata without just saying "ok" and "yeah."

"It's fine! I managed to survive, just barely." Hinata smiles widely and Kageyama kisses him on the forehead. Kageyama loves this ray of sunshine so much, how could he possibly hurt him in anyway?

Yet the empty feeling was still tugging at him at the base of his stomach. The feeling telling him he needs to cut, he needs to slice open his skin.

"Shoyo, do you want to spend the night at my house tonight?" Maybe having Hinata there will keep the bad thoughts away. Having someone there to cradle him and tell him he's okay. Kageyama knows that he needs to tell Hinata, and maybe tonight can be when. Maybe Hinata can help him.

Kageyama is off at practice. He just can't seem to concentrate. He needs time to think. But he doesn't know what he needs to think about. He needs to sort out his life and ten minutes of thinking wasn't going to do it. He tugs at his sweater. One upside to having clear skin on his wrists would be the ability to wear short sleeves at practice. It's incredibly warm and Suga is looking at him with concern. Sugawara knows something is wrong, how could he not? Suga is always looking out for his teammates. It's a miracle that he hasn't said anything to Kageyama yet.

By the end of practice, Kageyama is drenched in sweat. Him and Hinata are in the dressing room and Kageyama turns so his back is facing Hinata as he takes off his shirt. He tries as quickly as he can to put on another, thinner shirt. Once his arms are in the sleeves and he is about to slip it over his head, he feels two cool hands on the sides of his ribs.

Hinata's arms snake around Kageyama's torso till they meet at his navel. ((okay I'm writing this in school like its during class and I'm in the hallway on a school computer I just think that needed to be pointed out))

"Hey, Kags," Hinata says in a low voice. A small feeling of panic runs down Kageyama's spine before he realizes that his wrists are thoroughly covered. He lowers his arms so that his hands meet Hinata's. Kageyama feels Hinata's warm stomach against his sweaty back. Hinata's head rests on Kageyama's shoulder and Kageyama leans his head back into his boyfriend.

"Hey," Kageyama says back. His hands are clenching his shirt tightly as his arms rest upon Hinata's.

"Are you excited for tonight?" Hinata asks.

"Of course I am. Now," Kageyama says, laughing a little, "Will you let me get dressed?"

"But I like you better this way," Hinata says, a sly smirk on his face.

"Perv," Kageyama says, breaking away from his boyfriend and pulling his shirt all the way on. He hears Hinata whine a little behind him.

Once they are both dressed, Hinata and Kageyama head out of the gym and start their walk to Kageyama's house. Kageyama's fingers are loosely interlocked with Hinata's. The cool air feels refreshing on their faces after practice. They reach Kageyama's house and go in, notifying Kageyama's mother that they are heading up to Kageyama's room. Hinata collapses on Kageyama's bed as soon as they get into the room.

"Tobio! Your bed is so much more comfortable than mine," Hinata says, stretching out. Kageyama tugs down his sleeves even though they are already at his palms. He walks over to the bed and sits down. Hinata then pulls Kageyama towards him, snuggling into his side.

"You're so warm," Hinata murmurs. Kageyama holds the smaller boy closer to him. Just Hinata's presence in of itself is comforting. If only it could always be like this.

They lay in silence, Hinata's head buried in Kageyama's chest.

"Tobio, why do you always wear long sleeves?" Hinata asks after a few minutes, his voice weighed down with sadness. Kageyama's throat closes up. He can't say anything so he just hugs Hinata tighter. After a few moments Hinata pulls away and slowly takes Kageyama's arms in his hands. Before Hinata can do anything, Kageyama flinches, wanting so bad to pull away, but he doesn't. Hinata softly pushes Kageyama's sleeves up his arms, exposing the younger boy's wrists. Kageyama just looks down, he can't bear to look at his boyfriend. Then Kageyama feels cool fingers lightly caressing his cuts. Kageyama quickly glances up to see tears forming in Hinata's eyes.

"I'm so sorry," Kageyama chokes out. Seeing Hinata crying, because of him, Kageyama just can't take it.

"Don't apologize to me. Just please..." Hinata raises Kageyama's hand and gingerly kisses his palm. A strangled sob escapes from Kageyama's throat. "Talk to me. Please." Hinata scoots toward Kageyama and positions himself so that Kageyama's head rests on Hinata's shoulder when Hinata envelopes him in a hug.

"It doesn't matter, though, you don't need to worry," Kageyama mumbles.

"Yes, I do. But don't feel bad about it, it's not anything I wouldn't do anyway. I just want you to be happy," Hinata says quietly.

"But... I need you so bad, but you don't need me. You'd be happy without me, everyone would be." Hinata hugs Kageyama tighter.

"No. I need you and I will always need you. I would be nothing without you," Hinata whispers into Kageyama's ear. "Always, you hear that? That means that you have to stick around for a while longer." Hinata slowly lies back down, taking Kageyama with him. Kageyama tries his best to take deep breaths, but they keep hitching. Hinata knows, but Hinata isn't yelling. Kageyama keeps his eyes closed. Hinata just wants Kageyama to get better, and Kageyama really would like to.

But while in his lover's arms, a place he should feel the happiest, Kageyama can still feel that feeling of emptiness tugging at him. A feeling that's been tugging at him for a while now.

As long as he can look like he's getting better, Hinata will be happy, right?

Oh wow that could have gone a lot better. This was written over the course of like a month, and it is pretty crap. I was thinking of maybe having a part two to this?? Idk, it might be written later though. Whatever

Thanks for reading!! :)