Winter Air (Sequel to Night Air)

Chapter 24

*Alyssa's POV*

Neither El nor I had spoken much of a sentence to each other as we both thoroughly examined the Olive Garden menus in our hands. I was the first to break away eye contact with the delicious pastas that were on my menu. I looked up at El and stared. I knew why I hadn't said much to her, but I couldn't place my finger on the reason she wasn't saying much to me. She was the one who said we needed to talk.

After staring at her for a while longer with no response, I grew frustrated and slammed my menu on the table which made a sound that didn't nearly satisfy what I was feeling. Eleanor continued to stare down at her menu. "Damn it, what did you say to them?" I snapped.

She jumped from my outburst and looked up at me confused. "What are you talking about? Say to who?"

I rolled my eyes and sat back in my chair. "Don't pretend like you don't know. Remember? Early January? Auditions with the directors of Victoria's Secret? I got the job. Why?"

Recognition fell over Eleanor's face and she sighed into her seat. "Alyssa, I didn't give you the job if that's what you think or you've been told. Okay?" I relaxed a little bit in my seat, too. "But yes, I threw your name to them. You know why?" I didn't answer her rhetorical question as she flipped her brown hair (that she took time to straighten) over her small shoulders. "The modeling world is really hard to move up in if nobody knows your name. Directors aren't going to go for fresh blood a lot of the time. They're going to go after names people recognize to hopefully increase sales. It's all a marketing tactic. And when you have big corporations like Victoria Secret, they can pay for any big name model they want- and they will. So yes, I threw your name in their faces and blew it up like you were the world's next top model. I had worked with some of the people in that audition room before so they knew my name and took the bait. Now you have a job which I hear you're blowing out of the water. To get big in this industry you need a lucky break, and, Ally, I was yours. Besides, maybe I felt after the whole Niall fiasco you deserved a lucky break." After her big speech was finished, she sat tall in her seat and was even leaning towards me a bit. I felt small and even a little stupid for getting so upset with her as we both sat there in silence.

There comes a time in your life where you wonder what you had gone through to get to the point you are currently at. At that point, I was more wondering what had other people done to get my life to where it was. I was rather proud with how far my career had gone, and I was thankful for all the help I received on the way, but at the same time I was starting to feel like I needed help to become successful. I didn't like having that kind sense of dependency- especially because I felt I had had it for a while without realizing it. Niall was basically the only reason I had earned my father's blessing to start my modeling career (and now ironically needed his own blessings from my father) and had El not felt like I needed help after Niall's truth caved in, she probably wouldn't have helped me out like she did- ergo I wouldn't even be where I was thinking what I was thinking.

My head was spinning by the time I was done brainstorming the timeline of the last year of my life. I had then realized that while I was pondering and evaluating my career, El was waiting on a response from me. Her big, brown eyes looked even bigger with her eyebrows raised in anticipation. The look she had on her face told me she knew she hadn't done anything wrong, and after hearing her story, I knew it too. She was my reference just like any other job I would apply for.

"I'm sorry," I finally spoke. El relaxed in her chair. "It's just... I don't know. I just feel so... so..."

"On edge?" El interrupted to end my suffering for words. "Lost, perhaps?" I nodded my head and hung it off my shoulders. My bare and shaved thighs were all I had to admire as Eleanor continued on. "Ally, I'm here for you- I'm always here for you. If you need to vent, vent. If you need to call me at four in the morning then do it. If something is not right you gotta talk to me or Holly or Harry- or hell! Tell Niall!" My head snapped up at the mention of his name. Eleanor looked serious now and I was just thankful that the restaurant was basically empty by this time on a Tuesday. "I mean he probably deserves to know more than any of us. First of all you two are literally the same person if you remove the outer shit." I rolled my eyes and looked away from El. "And second of all, he knows you better than anyone else you associate yourself with on a daily basis. He loves you." My eyes darted back to her. She looked really upset and I knew she was begging me to never harm myself again. I knew she was begging me to speak up about my feelings instead of throwing them up.

I couldn't promise it would never happen again. It was more than a bad habit to me, it was an impulse that appeared to me when it needed to before mind-controlling me to fulfill its will. Once my mind was set on it, there was little I could do to stop it, so the next best thing to do was to convince myself that it was right and natural. In hindsight, I knew better and felt disgusted with myself, but when someone else's word turned my brain into an entity that was no longer in my control and my muscles listened to it, the game was over. There were very few times I could talk myself out of it once the process started.

"I'll talk to Niall about it," I finally caved with a sigh. Niall was honestly the last person I wanted to talk to about this- right along side my dad- but if it got Eleanor off my back then I would do it... maybe. I didn't want Niall to feel sympathy for me and I didn't want to feel helpless in front of him either. After everything Niall and I went through, I was tired of looking stupid and in need of assistance. The distance between us had started to allow me to build my own defense and I wanted to show that I knew how to use it.

Eleanor looked at me skeptically like she had that morning in the gym. With a roll of the eyes, I slumped forward in my seat. "I'll talk to him, El. Stop worrying about me. I'm really fine." The almost empty basket of garlic bread caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. I grabbed a stick, tore it in half, and then handed one of the halves to El. I held my end up in the air between us and she hesitantly tapped her end against mine. "I know lately we haven't gotten a bunch of time to gossip while we point out attractive guys that walk by us, so I am making a toast to this being the first night in a while where we can go back to normal."

Eleanor smiled for the first time between the two of us that whole night. "To being normal." We both silently bit into our halves with a much more comfortable atmosphere between us. I mostly did it to get Eleanor to stop worrying if I would actually talk to Niall or not. To be completely honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him or not. I knew deep down he was the help I need and wanted, but at the same time, I knew he wouldn't be happy and I had this drive to prove myself. The more I thought about it, the more I was beginning to conclude that proving myself was exactly what I wanted to do and this was the perfect opportunity to do so.