Tomorrow Never Dies

Chapter 55 - "it's still so hard"

My eyes flew open as I heard my mum speaking.

"Flora, what have you done?" I examined her face but I couldn't tell if she was angry or sad or stressed. "Flora tell me!"

"I took some pills I'm sorry," I admitted, tears already pouring down my face. I looked past my mother to see Toby and Matty hovering anxiously near my bed, and nearer to the door, two police officers and a paramedic. The EMT approached, asking me gently what I'd taken as my brothers comforted Mum. "Paracetamol, and these." I handed him a bunch of empty packets of tablets. He looked through them quickly and shook his head.

"We're going to have to take you to hospital, there's a lot." He radioed someone, and one of the policemen told me to get dressed, making me realise that I was only wearing a vest top and underwear. I pulled on some fluffy pyjamas, grabbed a teddy, my phone and some headphones, and Toby held my hand as I walked shakily downstairs. I asked him to come with me, leaving Matty and Mum with the policemen, and he and the paramedic accompanied me down the driveway to the waiting ambulance.

Once I was on the ambulance, the paramedic introduced himself as John and took a blood sugar sample. He made notes, and covered me with a blanket when he saw I was shivering. Toby held my hand tightly, and I clutched onto the teddy I'd brought with me as if my life depended upon it.

Once we arrived at the hospital, I was led in, my name was given to the receptionist, and almost as soon as I sat down I bypassed a nervous young mother and her baby and headed straight to triage. John gave the nurse the packets of pills, and she examined them and made more notes. She took my blood pressure, then tried to take an oxygen level, but my hands were so cold that nothing came back. She clasped my hands in hers, rubbing them softly until they were warm enough to bring back a proper reading. I was sent through to the emergency care unit, where a doctor came and took my blood and gave me an IV, leaving me and Toby alone for nearly an hour while the results came back, and I fell asleep as he watched me, a sad look on his face. The doctor returned eventually with various pieces of paper.

"Flora, there's enough paracetamol in your system to kill a small child, which you're not, so I'm going to let you go." He started talking to Toby, and then I heard myself screaming.

***
"Flora, Flora, shh," Michael soothed softly as I woke up in his arms. "It's okay, I'm here." I burst into tears, sobbing into his shirt as he rubbed my back softly. "What was it?"

"The first time I was hospitalised," I cried. "It was... It was the fifth time I tried to kill myself, and I told someone and they called an ambulance but I didn't want it, and the doctor said it was just self harm not a suicide attempt and I ended up with a shitty therapist and-"

"Hey, it's okay," he stopped me. "Take deep breaths." I followed his instruction, though every so often my breath got caught in my throat as I tried to inhale. He held me close, and I put my ear to his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. I timed my breaths with his pulse, and calmed down slowly until I was just about asleep again. Michael started singing softly to me, as if ready to put me to sleep, but his voice woke me up, energising me after I'd used all my energy on panicking.

"It's a brand new day, it's never too late to start, you can't live this life with an empty heart," he sang slowly, and I struggled to recognise the song. I was racking my brain as he continued. "I want something more, a life worth fighting for, cause I don't need a reason to set the world on fire and burn a little bit brighter now." It struck me as one of the songs on my sad playlist, one I was desperate to see live, Brighter by Against the Current. I smiled, listening to his voice ringing around the room, and he kissed the top of my head softly. "Are you feeling better?"

"Much, I don't know what I'd do without you," I admitted.

"Well I'm here so you don't need to worry about that." I nodded, meeting his eye. "So, can you tell me what happened?" I took a deep breath and began to recount the story of my first hospitalisation.

"I can't actually remember why I did it, but I remember I thought the conversation I had with the counsellor after was useless so I stopped replying and they sent the ambulance. Then, after, I went to see this really nice woman for an emergency evaluation and I told her everything that was going on, and she put me on the priority list to see a therapist but it still took six weeks, it was ridiculous. That's when I needed so much support, my mum told my school but they kept it really hush-hush."

"How old were you?"

"Fifteen," I sighed.

"Jesus," he said quietly. "No fifteen year old should end up in that position."

"I know, but I did. I learned to trust my support network though, I started calling my best friends when I needed them because I learned to overcome the anxiety it gave me, and Georgie and Grace, my two best friends, saved my life so many times since then that I can't even count."

"I'm so proud of you, you've come so far." I smiled.

"It's been a hell of a journey and it's still so hard but every time I just learn something new."

"That's a good way to look at it." I nodded, and nestled myself into his embrace.

*****
I am well aware that this a short chapter however
a year ago today I tried to kill myself, and I was hospitalised in the early hours of the morning of the 29th march. ive tried to keep this account as accurate as possible but there are bits that ive missed out because it's very difficult for me to tell this story. ive overdosed twice since, and at the moment I am at risk however I'm keeping my friends like grace and g especially close and I'm trying to do things that make me happy.

my mental health is a bit of a mess at the moment and I'm struggling to go more than 2 days without self harming, which is part of why ive not been updating recently. I love writing, but when I'm depressed/anxious I find it very difficult to get my thoughts straight in my head which is a common issue faced by those with mental health issues.

if anyone is struggling themselves, please please please at least tell a friend. I know its difficult, and ive taken a long time to open up to some of my friends, and it took even longer to open up to my parents/mental health professionals, however it helps! a friend is an amazing port of call when you need somewhere to anchor yourself, and the right therapist can do wonders. (I had one amazing therapist who helped me so much, but unfortunately shes no longer a therapist and is a pilot instead).

I love you all, youre amazing.

song of the chapter: brighter by against the current