Refound Love (YTSTMB sequel)

Part twenty-three

PJ P.O.V.

'Frail' was the word that came to mind.

'I love you, I'm sorry', were the next.

I hugged Chris tighter, but he was barely returning it.

"Please don't go," he whispered. His voice was empty and it was cracking, like he barely had any energy left to speak.

"I love you."

"PJ- PJ, please."

"Why? I'm just going out for air, don't you trust me? It's not a big deal."

He broke away from our embrace then took a couple of steps back and looked at me without speaking. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked thin and ill and delicate with his arms crossed and shoulders hunched up to his ears.

"What's wrong?" I asked, but he shook his head and turned away, going back to the sofa and curling up on his side, turning on the TV. It hurt that he was ignoring me, but his silence and blotchy face told me he knew about the affair and he figured out that I had tried to sway his thoughts and make him doubt himself, but he had sussed out now that it was me lying all along.

He looked lifeless as he lay there, the only movement being his laboured breathing. I was growing angry at how far this had gone. I was angry at myself for starting it all, but I was angry at Dan for letting me continuing it and forget about how much I loved and cared about Chris, but I was angry at him too for knowing me too well and it felt like it was his fault for putting the jigsaw together, like he was deliberately trying to hurt himself when he could've just ignored it and been oblivious.

I knew that wasn't fair. It was anyone's but his fault. If anything, Dan and I shared the blame.

His eyes were shut when I sat cross-legged in front of the sofa, but they fluttered open when I ran a hand through his hair.

"Chris?"

"I-I'm just so sick of being alone. You keep- and I- oh God," he choked up and started crying but quickly wiped away the tears. "Go, just go, do whatever you have to do, just go."

"But-"

"It doesn't matter, just go. Go see Dan, I know how much he means to you," he buried his face in his hands. "Leave me alone."

I admitted defeat, knowing that whatever I did, it wasn't going to make anything better. So I got up, and tried to be quiet as I pulled on a coat, my heart sinking when I made out my boyfriend's muffled sobs, because we both knew where I was going.

-

The images of Chris tortured me as I walked, there was no getting away from I had done, what I had caused, and I had to put a stop to it. I had broken all the relationship rules - I hadn't been open or honest or faithful or shown my love. I had done the opposite and broke his heart and now he was suffering the most out of all of us. 

As I got closer to the park I saw Dan on the swing, his feet lightly kicking the floor as he waited for me. He stood as I pushed opened the gate and walked towards him, but I put my hands out and took his wrists before he could try anything.

"We need to talk," I told him, and pulled him to the bench and I was sitting at an angle so I was facing him more. I didn't let go of his wrists but just loosened my grip and he looked at me worriedly. 

"So?" 

"Look, Dan... We have to choose." 

"Choose? Choose what?" 

"You have to choose between me or Phil, and I have to choose between you or Chris." 

"What? Why? Why now?" 

"Can't you see what it's doing? To you, to me? To Chris? He's falling apart, I have to stop it, I have to help him." 

Dan looked down, chewing on his lip and spoke quietly. "I can't." 

"You have to."

He looked up at the sky thoughtfully. "What if I choose you?" 

"No, you're not going to choose me because I won't let you. I'm making the decision for you. Here's some advice: pick Phil, because I'm not going to choose you." 

"But- Why- After- Why not?" He was sounding desperate, his voice falling whiny. At first he seemed so confident that we would choose each other, but now he was anything but, and almost a little disappointed he had to go with his second choice. 

I took a good look at him for a moment so I could see every change in his face when I hurt him, which was less than seconds away. I almost felt bad, but I reminded myself of how much he messed me around this time a year ago, and I grew numb to anything else that wasn't close to hatred.

"I don't love you. It was always Chris, it was never you. You were just a game to me, just something... fun to do."

"You said you loved me." 

"I was lying." 

Silence settled in between us again and Dan avoided eye contact and took himself out of my grasp, wrapping his arms around himself and I imagined he was trying to take it all in. It was dark but I could make out a tear or two on his face, but didn't say anything and waited for him to speak again.

"What about Phil?" 

"He either hears it from you or Chris. You don't have much of a choice now." 

"You... You've hurt Chris and Phil for no reason, this isn't their fault, this isn't fair." 

"I know it's not fair on them, but I didn't really have many options." 

"Why are you doing this? Why did you do it?" His voice cracked and he sounded weak and pathetic, and I felt more in control now that I had broken down his guard and left him vulnerable.

"Payback."

He went quiet again and his hands started shaking. I couldn't really believe it had come to this, when it seemed like only yesterday we were secretly kissing in the hallway at 2am when Phil was away and I had sneaked and Dan and I were unbelievably happy, and being together was a dream come true...

"Did I ever mean anything?" He was being cautious, like he wasn't completely sure if he wanted to know the answer. He still wouldn't look at me and kept his stare carefully on the grass. 

"No," I answered in a more stern voice than what I planned and Dan flinched at the harshness of it. 

"Nothing?" 

"No." 

He let out a shaky breath. "You... you just led me on for fun? You're so... God you're so sick," he broke down into sobs and pushed himself away from me but didn't bother covering up his face.

"Not exactly, I just wanted you to understand how much it hurt when you did this to me." 

I leaned over and pressed a kiss his cheek, then without another word or looking back, I left the park and walked home, preparing myself to face the music.