My Own Way

Chapter 26 - Part 2

I knew he was right, I hated to talk about my feelings, I had enough of that with Emily but for him to think that poorly of me, hurt.  I could feel my anger raising and I wanted to either hit him or leave his apartment except I couldn’t make myself leave and I would never hit him so I just got up off the couch.  I started to walk towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water when I heard the noise and I knew it was him getting off the couch.  I turned and looked at him and placed my hand up showing him I wanted him to stop moving.  When he did, I turned again and made my way back to the kitchen, I grabbed a glass and filled it up with cold water from the fridge.  

I calmed myself down a bit in the kitchen, I knew he was waiting for me but I needed to calm down before talking or I’d say things I would regret later on.

He thinks I’m cheating because I’m not here mentally while the truth is I’m in love with him and I’m trying to make sense of it in my head.  Our sex life was still amazing, or to me it still was.  We didn’t have sex every single night but still a few times a week and more than once a night.  When we started sleeping together I wasn’t here that much so we always had sex because I didn't want him for anything else.  We’d have sex, I’d wait for him to fall asleep then I’d leave.  We were having sex a lot more now than before.  Was he bored with me?  Was he asking me only to give himself permission to see someone else?  Now I was just more confused than when I entered this freaking kitchen...

I left the kitchen and he was exactly where he was when I told him to stop moving.

“I’m not seeing someone else.  I don’t want to see someone else.  Are you?  Do you want to see someone else?!” I asked him.

“There’s only you.  It’s always been just you.” He answered, giving me full eye contact.

“So... why... why do you think I’m with someone else or seeing...?” I asked him.

“You’re not ‘here’ with me.  I know you’re stressed and everything but... you just shut me out.  I didn’t know if it was on purpose or if you really didn’t know...I panicked." He explained.

"That's why Joey said there was no need to worry?" I asked.

"Yeah." He said passing his fingers through his hair again.  

"I wouldn't cheat on you.  I know that's what everyone usually says but it's the truth.  If I wanted someone else, I'd just tell you and that would be it.  I hope that if it would be you, you'd do the same.  I wouldn't stop you.  I want to be with someone who wants me for me exactly like I would want him for him.  If I was seeing someone else, I wouldn't be standing here...in your living room, across the room from you." I slowly started to walk towards him, "I wouldn't be here almost every night.  I'm here because I want to be, I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.  I want to be next to you.  I want to be able to touch you and hear your breathing change when I reach a spot that you like." I was close enough to touch him but I didn't, I just kept eye contact.