crash & burn ✺ l.t au

[14]

*Warning: This chapter deals with heavy topics. if you feel uncomfortable feel free to skip over this chapter *

Realization & Pain

"Some people can feel the rain, Others just get wet."

- Bob Dylan

I couldn't breathe. No no no. This can't be happening. My sister isn't dead, she can't be. She didn't do anything wrong, she didn't do shit to him.

As I clutched my sister's necklace to my chest tears started to fill my eyes causing my vision to blur. Lena had nothing to do with this, she shouldn't have died. What the hell was this guys problem? What person in their right mind would just randomly kill someone's loved one on purpose?

I just didn't get it, was this his plan all along? Did he know that I was coming home to visit my mum and now, late sister? Does he sit at home at night figuring out what I'll be doing next?

What did I do to deserve this? Was it because of the decisions I made a long time ago? Was it because I treated my family wrong for the past four years?

The pain in my chest tightens even more, sobs wanting to come out but I push them back; I didn't want to wake Louis. Tears stream carelessly down my cheeks and I don't even want to wipe them away. I deserve them.

Everything's my fault, the reason why my family is so fucked is because of me. If I never had started drinking and doing drugs I would have never had to deal with the pain I'm feeling now. My sister would be home in her bed, I wouldn't have to find her phone cracked or her necklace almost broken.

It's hurts not having the person I used to confide in when I needed a friend in Liverpool. Lena and I were so close despite the fact we were a year in a half apart. I feel like another half of me died.

I feel like shit now, knowing that the reason why she's dead is because of me. If I never would have came home none of this would have happened.

Sobs started to escape my mouth, my body slumping to the floor as shivers run up and down my arms. My back hits the wall while I land on the floor with a 'thump'. I still couldn't breathe and my heart was pounding agonizingly hard against my chest.

Was this what he meant by making me suffer? Killing someone close and dear to me on purpose just to scare me. If he seriously just wants to kill me than why doesn't he just do it. I have nothing to live for anymore.

My life has turned to complete shit, my sister is dead and I'm pretty sure that I'm becoming depressed again. Everything is crashing down on me all over again and I feel like I'm turning back into the depressed girl I was when I was 14.

I'm a shitty person for saying all those hurtful things to Lena and the rest of my family. I feel like I deserve to die, if my sister's life gotten taking away for being a bystander and not knowing what the hell was going on with James than I should be the one dead, not her.

I heard movement in the living room which caused me to raise my head from where it used to be buried in between my knees. My watery eyes locked onto Louis' sorrowful expression as he looked from me to the box on the table and I suddenly felt like laughing. He shouldn't be feeling bad about this or even feeling bad for me; I deserve all this pain and no matter what anyone tells me I deserve all of it.

"Isn't this great Louis? My sister is dead." I chuckle sadly, furiously wiping away my tears.

Life is so fucking perfect isn't it? My family is fucked up and my sister is dead.. Isn't that great?

"Jas, calm down." Louis tells me. I start laughing even more as I stand up from the floor.

"Calm down? Calm down!?" I start raising my voice as I clutch onto my sisters necklace tighter than before.