PLAIN and PROUD: Book 1 (BxB n LGBT)

Chapter 16: Past Conflicts

Connor's POV

The bathtub was huge enough to fit in two people together but I would rather be by myself for now. I live with my single dad. He's a strict, certified pastor whom I always looks up to. Heck, the entire town adored him for his evangelical church services. I love to sit in here at night, immersing myself and pondering about things. It had been a soothing habit of mine ever since I was little, especially after Mom left us to join the other angels above. She would always wash and scrub me up squeaky clean with the yellow sponges in the tub and it made me miss her so much more.

I would take my own sweet time and wait for the floating carpet of bubbles to disappear as my mind is lifted somewhere else. My body, my mind and my soul will be separated for a while, not like when you're fully asleep but more like when you're in a deep trance. A deep and uninterrupted meditation. I was born and raised a devout Evangelical by my dad and he would always say that Jesus lives within us all and Jesus will save not only my soul but all of our souls. Yet recently I was starting to doubt that belief. Not that I'm trying to be a disbeliever, it's just that after all that we've been through my father is still so engrossed with his devotion for God way more than anything else. He kept on preaching to my face as if those words were his only source of pleasure and relief. I understood that the loneliness had been such a horrendous burden but nowadays my voice meant nothing to him anymore, like I'm just the prodigal son who should be ignored and pushed away. Despite all this, I would still respect him and would never question his devout actions.

The dripping droplets from the tap made a lovely sound as it joined the rest of the pool inside the tub, more like the sound of that metronome thingy. I'm not sure what's it called. That thing with a swinging pendulum. Ticking side to side at a constant, hypnotic rate while I submerged myself up until my nose in a slow, relaxed fashion. I wasn't trying to drown myself but simply alienating myself from the present world. Mental exclusion would be key to this process of self-meditation and it works best if I was aiming for the total tranquillity.

The feeling is unbelievable as you're drifting away slowly into your own world, just your mind and your sense of peace. You should try closing your eyes and just lie under water for a few seconds. It's an awesome and liberating feeling, really. Let loose and then forget about your surroundings for a while.

I may be one of the best star basketballers in school, there was no denying that fact but honestly, it was purely to keep myself comfortable in my own skin, to accept myself for something which I can be proud of. Something which I'm really good at, you know. Those kinds of thing always come with absolute guarantee of personal satisfaction right? Yup, one more thing to include: it was also to fulfil Dad's high expectations of me.

I slid in deeper into the soothing pool of water around me, as my eyes closed shut instinctively. After middle school, I reluctantly entered into a realm of false pretences along with Freddy. I didn't want to become a loser in high school and Freddy knew far better than to become friends with one so we made a pact to join the race for popularity. Like they always said, go big or go home. High school wouldn't be that awesome of an experience unless you're in the cool circle. Kings ruling the entire school and with that, along came the stupid fakeness surrounding me. I've changed drastically; I wasn't the same skinny kid anymore. The summer before high school starts, Freddy made sure that we were both buffed up enough to make the cut and it worked like magic. We were immediately accepted without questions. It seemed so surreal at first but we got what we asked for, yet I began to regret all about it. I had been lying to myself, it was true that I was terribly desperate back then and enough said, I haven't been the real me anymore. The old me who would never be mean just for the sake of entertainment, just to feel like I belong the rest of the cool kids.