At this point, sorry is nothing but a word. There is nothing left for me to say, because sorry wont fix it. i can do it. Losing people, cutting people off... it is not my favorite thing in the world but its something that i have had to do time and time again so that is fine. But here's some things you should know. I always give people second chances. and third chances. and fourth chances. so every other time you made a joke about my appearance, or a comment on the way i acted, or all the other fights where you made my feelings seem less than yours: those were all the chances. i kept turning my cheek, and pretending like they didn't bother me when they did. My acne is my biggest insecurity, and yet when you make a joke about it i'm supposed to laugh at it. i'm supposed to pretend like it doesn't feel like you've just put a giant arrow pointing to every zit that sits on my face. i'm supposed to hold back the embarrassment i feel because your skin is porcelain smooth and my skin is blemished.
I cant control how badly my hands sweat, and yet its the punchline for a joke. even i was expected to make jokes about something that i hated so deeply. "waterfall maddy" was a good one given to me by another person no longer in my life. and i had to play it off like that didn't make me want to die. like i wouldn't sit in my bedroom holding my hands together, feeling the sweat pool and crying because i'm not normal. like every sport wasn't out of the question because i cant hold the racket, or the bat, or the ball long enough to do anything productive. like i don't have to put a piece of paper underneath everything i write because the sweat smudges the paper. like the idea of holding hands with a boy was not so terrifying that it is part of the reason i do not want a relationship. or like it isn't part of the reason i don't want a child.
i like my eyes. they're the only part of me that i enjoy. but each day i hide behind my glasses because i don't want people to see me. but when i would take them off, God. that's the only time i truly could look at myself and not want to punch the mirror. but as time went on, i never wanted to take them off around you. because my face looks "weird". "i don't like it" you would say. as if its your body. my eyes hollow in and that is something i cannot change but when my glasses came off i felt confident in myself and YOU took that away from me. you chipped away at me all the time with every comment, and every "joke" you took little pieces of me. I like to get dressed up, and i like to put on mascara and make my hair look nice and overall FEEL good. and every time i would do that you made it like it was a problem. "its the mall not the club" you say as i'm putting a bracelet on. ill never forget it. such a simple bracelet, and yet you made it feel so large on my wrist. like i was doing something wrong. i remember when you turned your back i took it off because i felt like putting the bracelet on was wrong. and there are also times when i don't care, i don't care what i have on and i don't care how my hair looks. and then you would ask me if i knew my hair was frizzy, if i knew my shoes looked dumb, if i really had to wear that sweater with that. like what i had on my body was affecting you? you always told me not to care about my appearance and when i started to you would criticize me about THAT. it was constant critique. my hair, my nails, my hands, my shoes, my pants. like everything i was doing was wrong. every time i put something on that i felt good in, i expected you to shoot it down. like that was the first thing i was ready to hear. when you feel like somebody secretly hates you and everything you do, you can only be friends for so long.
then i'm trying too hard. i try too hard for boys to like me, i try too hard to look like the "popular girls" i try too hard to fit in. that's just me. i flirt HARD with boys because if i don't they don't look at me. i try hard to look like the other girls because i don't want anyone to notice that i am not the same. i don't want to stand out. and yet for some reason, all of that was a problem. like it was annoying to you. like there was something wrong with me? i cant help it that i am the way i am but you knew who i was when i met you and you chose to be friends with me.
i'm not good at making friends. and you were always so quick to remind me of that. how when i moved i wouldn't of had friends if it wasn't for you. how they thought i was weird. i tried not to let that story bother me, but it did. it always did. because i know i'm not quick for people to like, and i know i don't make friends easily. but its like every time you brought it up you WANTED to remind me of that flaw. like it gave you some kind of good feeling knowing that you had some kind of power over me at one point. all it gave me was an even bigger sense of insecurity, like there was something so wrong with me that you had to force people to be friends with me. is that how you wanted to make me feel? because it sure as hell felt like it.
i let all these things go because you were my best friend and the good times outweighed the bad. the times we stayed up until 3 am talking. the times we went downtown in the freezing cold just to swing and take pictures. the time you came over while i was crying, and didn't leave until it was pitch black outside. the time we went around a whole state, making memories and taking pictures. all the times you stuck up for me because i don't know how to stick up for myself. all the "mental breakdown tacos" and so many inside jokes. the sport you made me love. the money you spared me. the clothes you gave me. the songs you showed me. you gave me a second home, a place to go to get away from the horrors in my own house. you gave me a sense of what it was like to have a sister. you taught me not to let boys treat me like shit, not to let girls walk all over me. you taught me so much, and we both have grown as people from the first day we met.
im proud of you, for getting over the asshole boy who made you cry- Drew you dumb ass. and im proud of you for letting go of the people who held you back. Mat? he can suck a dick. hes a douchebag and he never deserved a friend like you. joey? clingy ass. whoever his next girlfriend is, im praying for her because shes got to have a lot of balls to put up with what you did. and me? damn, im a mess. i was never the greatest friend and i know that. i was flaky, i try too hard, my laugh is annoying asab, i complain a lot, i whine a lot, the list can go on. so im proud of you for letting go of me too. because God knows i was annoying asf. and im proud of you for being alive, even if you want to die. and ill never stop being proud no matter how long im around.
But we both will just sit in silence, indirecting each other and acting like we are too strong and too cool to miss somebody. But the truth is i miss you, and you dont have to miss me back thats fine. and if you do you dont have to say it. but thats it. So thanks for everything, Haley. I wont forget that year.
