I'm sitting at my desk in the dark. it's 3 am. the tears are cold on my cheeks and salty when they hit my lips. I look into the mirror and some girl stares back at me. I hate her. she is not the girl I know, nor the girl I want to be. her glasses are too large, her teeth too crooked, and her chest too flat. I am hesitant as I reach to open the jewelry box door because it's also the mirror(and I reaaaally wanna punch it.) I see my prescription bottle and reach in to grab it but my face falls and the tears start again when I find the bottle is empty. the crying turns into screaming and the screaming is a mix of broken sobs and sad laughs. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to be sad- and want to cry at everything. I'm miserable but no one sees. I wish I could be happy and confident and ALIVE like those other girls at school but all I am is a walking skeleton, the girl who used to be like them is dead. then I think a thought that scares me more than anything, but is also soothing: I will always be sad.
someone else might be confused by this- and think it's ridiculous. but when you've been as low as I have you know that this statement is both comforting and scary. scary: nothing will ever be enjoyable...you will never be able to make someone else happy- everything u do will be affected by the sadness. but comforting...:it's familiar. it's like a blanket. it's becomes so routine to come straight to your room, knock back 4 pills, and sleep for 5 hours. it becomes a habit to cry in the shower until the water runs ice cold. it's like...unchanging...the only thing that,
out of everything, isn't changing. a normal person would think that's scary...me?...comforting.
