my fingers go before I know what I'm typing, "meet me. you know the place." I say and I send the text to Him. I get in my car and drive quickly because if I get there early enough maybe I can still leave. I do, I get there earlier than him which doesn't surprise me because he was never punctual- he was always spontaneous and unplanned and I loved it. I'm standing with my back to the entry so that I won't see
him walk up. 10 minutes later I feel a hand on my shoulder and jus by how lightly his finger tips trace my collarbone immediately I know it's Him. I step away and turn around, the wind is whipping around me and I have to pull my hair to the side. I look up at him and I know he isnt fully here. who knows what it is this time. I give a small scoff and a sad smile. "you couldn't even sober up enough to come down here and talk with me?" I ask bitterly. "I don't know what you mean, it's jus Tylonal." he says but his words are slurred- this isn't the first time he told that lie. I start to cry so I look down and then I get mad. I look back up and throw myself at his chest, pushing him as hard as I can. "why didn't you fight for me!?" I scream, "why didn't you at least try to make any of this work!? why wasn't I enough for you- why was none of this ever enough?!" I wave my hands for emphasis. he stares down at me and his brown eyes are pitch black. my blue eyes are probably a gray color- glassy from my tears. then he speaks. "because. because you never were all in until it was too late. fuck, M....you think I didn't try!? you think I didn't want any of this!?" he's screaming now and his voice is cracking and I want to grab his face and give a soothing "shh" like I used to do.. "you didn't want this!! you never did! you were always straddling the fence- half in or half out! I couldn't handle that! //I// NEEDED MORE THAN SOMEONE WHO WASNT GOING TO BE ALL IN! I NEEDED SOMEONE WHO WAS SURE OF WHAT THEY WANTED!" he finishes yelling and I go to disagree but he says something that clips any ties for good," I needed someone who was fully there, whole- you weren't that someone. you were always damaged and I knew that...but I began to cut myself on your jagged pieces. and I couldn't do it anymore." he finishes and by now I know he's sober- his black eyes are glassy and a tear falls down one cheek. I can't speak. I can barely move. so I turn on my heel and walk away because...he's right.
