he asks me why you and I don't know what I'm supposed to answer. honestly i don't know. maybe it's the way our names sound so good together, or the way your name tastes both like hard alcohol and buttercream candy on my tongue. maybe it's the way my mind can't stop repeating the sweet words you said softly in the dark or the way our bodies used to fit together so perfectly. maybe it's the way how no matter the problem jus seeing you comforted me or how a simple smile could stop me from crying. it might be the way you would stay in your assigned seat until I got to class and then tell the teacher an excuse to move by me. maybe it's the way that you never talked about my abnormalities- fuck you made me forget they were there. maybe it's because no matter how many times I call myself ugly there's always a voice in the back of my head that tells me that least you thought, at one point, that I was beautiful. He asks me why I can't let go and he says you don't matter anymore but the problem is that you do matter. you're always going to matter- you're always gonna be my first love from when I was 15, you're always going to be the boy I wanted to marry when all I wanted to do was die. you're always going to be the one who left such a big impact on my life without even realizing you were doing it. my friend tells me that you don't matter, that you're no good, and I mean...she's right. you're toxic and poisonous and you stop me EVERYTIME I feel like I might be moving on. you set the guilt in and pretty soon any progress I think I've made fails. I get mad when she tells me this though because I hate to think so horribly of you when I've seen such good parts of you but she is and always will be right. i snap at her for this reason and I hate it every time I do it because there's no reason for me to make her miserable jus because I am. I blame you. I blame you for it all. and even though I enjoyed the time we spent in like, the pain now is excruciating and unbearable and if I could go back to the day you texted me asking for the homework and I decided to save your number- I wouldn't even open the message.
