Missed Connections

Chapter 38 - The News Today, Oh Boy

I glance down a my hands in my lap, leaden and heavy.  I don't even have the will to fidget, which is unusual for me.  A numb feeling is permeating my chest, and I am finding it hard to breathe without internal instruction.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out. 

"Evynn, luv, please look at me."

"I can't."

"Please," Louis implores, his voice wavering with emotion.

"I'm scared, Lou," I practically whisper.

"Me too," he says quietly.  "I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either."

We lapse into silence, neither one of us able to break through the weight of the situation.  My mind is running a mile a minute.  Why the fuck haven't I just Googled the shit out of him like any normal person would?  Yet, I promised him I wouldn't, and I plan to stick to that.  We're all too dependent on quick answers since the rise of the beast called the Internet.  We judge superficially on information that might not be real.  Swipe right for the next bigger, badder thing.  Click bait celebrity personas that are caricatures of who they really are.

As if reading my thoughts, Lou pipes up. "Sometimes I wish you'd Google me. I've never had to do this before."

"God forbid you should have to tackle tough conversations like a normal person," I spit out sarcastically.

"Bitchiness is helping the tension, luv." Louis looks at me with the sassiest face I have seen him produce yet, clearly letting me know he isn't impressed with me right now. 

"Fuck.  Fine.  Sorry."

"Have you quite finished?" He says, raising one eye brow in my direction.

"Yes," I say bitingly before I catch myself.  I sigh deeply.  "Yes," I repeat calmly. 

"Good," replies Lou, watching me closely, but he doesn't continue.

"I didn't mean to go off sides, babe," I interject in to the silence.  "I'm just feeling really, really fucking scared. I'm sure you've realized emotion makes me get a little crazy sometimes."

Louis chuckles as he pull me into a tight hug. He holds me without saying a word, but I notice his hands are shaking and his breathing is uneven.  I cling desperately to his embrace, taking in his warmth, his smell, his everything.  I don't want this to be our last conversation, but I am not naive enough to ignore the seriousness of the situation.  Make or break time.

"I'm loving the hug, Lou, but I like my bandaids ripped off in one go."

"Fucking firecracker, as usual," Lou responds with a smirk.

"Always," I reply, smiling in to his torso.  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.  I raise my face to rest my chin on his chest.  "So..."

I'm about to continue when Louis presses his lips hungrily to mine.  His kiss is firm and passionate, yet sweet.  It evokes a sense of longing and tenderness, and I kiss him back. I let myself fade into the sensation, enjoying the taste, the feel, the smell.  I am happy for a reprieve in the tension.  I want to cling to what Louis and I have already been through.  The immediate attraction.  The sexy vibes.  The light hearted banter.  Louis' revelation is pivotal; something is going to shift between us.  I'm bracing for impact.

That's life.  It doesn't stop.  It is constantly evolving, and you have to grab on and go or you'll get lost in the shuffle.  As Dory says, 'Just keep swimming.'   In many ways, that's what I've been doing since Wes died.  Trucking along, doing what I always expected to do without considering how his loss impacted me.  Moving forward because I didn't know what else to do to cope.  But Louis has made me swerve.  Hard.  And now the car is tipping, running on only two wheels and I'm worried it is going to roll over.