unlovable

part 31

[vanessa's pov]
i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm acting out, i'm going crazy. i'm numb. i flip moods every two seconds. i'm crazy. i'm insane. so what, at this point... it's hell.
caleb helped me keep a grip on my sanity.
he's not here, now.
i feel bad for pushing cody away lately.. he tries to help but it's not the same. he's beautiful on the inside & out, but i don't think i love him like i love caleb. it's unfair to him.
i don't want to break his heart. i really don't.
i'm in the hot tub at my gym. it relaxes my muscles after a good workout.
i beat the fuck out of the punching bag.
anger, stress, jealousy, pain, hurt, confusion, desire, hope, anxiety, love, hate.. it clouds everything in my mind. almost always.
i rarely catch a break anymore.
my parents are getting a divorce-- turns out my dad cheated on my mom with his co-worker on all his business trips.
my uncle passed away. could life get worse at this point? i take it out at the gym.. in a healthy way. i fear that i could do something someday, something unexpected. something terrible.
i'm afraid of myself and other people should be, too. i'm seriously considering turning myself in to a psych ward. i'm thinking about things i shouldn't.
about what it would feel like to die.. or to kill people.. everything is dark.
when walking in public, i take all the risky paths. the scary ones that people avoid.
if i can't hurt myself, might as well increase my chances of someone else doing it.
my parents are worried. me too.
caleb calls every so often, but he still loves her.
cody is so good to me but i don't want him as much as he wants me.
happiness comes and goes when it comes to me.
i'm not okay anymore.
i sit in my room and watch movies or tv shows which usually just make me feel lonelier. sometimes, cody joins me and rubs my back and kisses my cheeks.. he's a good guy.. i just don't think he's the guy for me. this has never happened in my life.
caleb has a hold on me, control over me..
he could come & go as he pleases from my life & i'd probably sit here & take it. he could walk all over me, use me.. i would stay.
that's what i've come to. i don't know myself anymore.

----
my fists connect with the bag quickly. a thin layer of gauze covers my knuckles.
kanye west's "black skinhead" blasts in my earbuds.
1. 1 2. 1 2 3.
i count off in my head.
a pair of hands grabs my waist. i turn around quickly, attempting to connect my fist to their jaw.
i stop my fist just in time.
"caleb!? you scared me.." i try to catch my breathe & pull out my earbuds.
he rubs the back of his neck, "i'm sorry."
i nod his apology away, "yeah it's fine."
he walks to the random machine next to me and sits down on the edge.
i let down my hair and re-tie it in a cleaner ponytail.
"you seem to be pretty angry, would you rather take it out on me instead?" he uses his hand to suggest to the punching bag.
i glare at him.
"is that what you think this is?" i mumble.
no bitch you're not crying today, thank you.
he shrugs his shoulders.
"nice." i roll my eyes and put my earbuds back in.
i turn back to the bag and start throwing punches again, this time, i punch harder. faster.
he leans against the wall next to the bag, eyeing me up and down.
he rests his tongue in his cheek.
i stop punching and grab the bag to slow it down.
i pull out my earbuds, "why are you here?"
"i'm here to work out.. isn't that what a gym is for?" he grins.
cocky motherfucker. fuck him. i love him so much. ugh.
i prop my arm against the bag, "then what are you doing standing over here?"
"thought my eyes could use a work out." he smirks.
i giggle, "yeah you're still one hell of a smooth-talker."
rub it in, vanessa. rub it in.
"if you don't mind, i'm gonna relax." i grab my bag from the floor and walk out the door that leads to the pool room.
i hear him follow behind me but i choose to ignore him, anyways.
he's behind me when i pull my shirt off. i can hear him suck in extra air.
i slide my shorts off, too.
i then toss my bag onto a poolside table and lay my clothes on top.
it's always smart to wear swimming attire underneath. you work everything off and then you get to relax. i've been coming here a lot.
i wonder how he found me? did he plan for this? i didn't know he was a member?
he didn't have an i.d card.. whatever.
i walk down the stairs to the hot tub. the hot water soothes my muscles instantly and i feel myself let out a moan. i make sure to make it evident enough for caleb to hear.
he stands beside the pool, watching me like an idiot.
i lean on the edge of the hot tub, "so.. are you coming in to join me or what?"
he pulls off his shirt and comes down the stairs.
i smile and lean my head against the ledge.
he sits next to me.
"how are you?" he mumbles.
i close my eyes, "i've lost myself, caleb. i don't even know who i am anymore. i'm not okay."
i feel him lean over me and wrap an arm around my waist.
"would you like me to remind you?" he whispers.
i open my eyes. he hovers over me. he has a few moments water droplets that rest on his face, he looks so perfect.
i reach my hands up to his face and move my fingertips along his cheeks.
"i want you.." he whispers.
i smile, "you want her.."
"not like i want you." his eyes glance to my lips.
i bite my lip, "prove it."
he tightens his grip on my waist and locks his lips with mine. i tug on his bottom lip with my teeth.
he lets out a soft moan and i smile at the sound.
you remember this, caleb.
his lips leave mine as he begins to trail down my cheek, to my neck, and then to my upper chest.
i arch my back. his touch makes me surrender. every inch of me is relaxed and i have no regrets.
i run my fingers through his wet & wild hair.
i know we could go further but we're still in public, someone could come in at any time.
i gently grab his face and pull him towards mine again. he smiles and kisses me again. it's softer now, filled with less lust and more-- dare i say, love?
nah. probably not.
we disconnect to catch our breathe. i lick my lips, savouring every last taste of him.
i wink, "thanks for the workout."
i then walk back up the stairs and leave him in the hot tub, reeling over what had just happened.
i grab my bag from the table and blow him one last kiss before walking to the locker room.
and damn...

it feels good.

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FOOKING YES!!! steamy af :')

honestly today was so weird lol

thank you for reading!! xo

- adrianna