unlovable

part 12

[vanessa's pov]
she stares at me with wide eyes. i see caleb try not to laugh at my sass moments ago, but he hides it quickly.
"what the hell is she doing here?" janice questions, angrily. she spins to face him.
he suddenly gets really nervous.
oh god, he never wants to hurt anyone.
he's trying to figure out how he can let her down easily, probably.
"she.. i-i.." he looks at both of us.
he looks into her eyes & his features soften.
"vanessa.. um-- i think.." he hesitates, "i think you should leave."
i look at him in shock. is he kidding? janice smirks and wraps her arms around his waist.
where mine belong.
"you know what? cool. you two be 'happy'" i put finger quotes around the happy.
i look to caleb's face for any last sign of regret but i can read nothing. he stares at me blankly.
i look to janice, "oh, by the way, he likes it when you moan his name. just a heads up."i wink at her. her jaw drops. i strut down the hall & down the steps, twisting my keys between my fingers.
as soon as i get to my jeep, i feel my bad bitch attitude from moments ago fade away.
tears begin to flow again, but it's okay, i cry all the time anyways.
i cannot believe that just happened.. he asked me to leave when all i did was try to protect him & be there for him? so confusing.
tears blur my vision, i try to see as best as i can as i drive down out of his driveway and down the road.
"treat you better" by shawn mendes comes on the radio, which i never use anymore.
of course this song has to play.
why does the world hate me?
i turn it up anyways, the guitar sounds fill my jeep.
"i... won't lie.. to you.. i know he's just.. not right.. for you.." i feel myself continue to cry, pretty much shouting the lyrics at this point.
i get into the turn lane at a stoplight, trying to see where i'm going.
the colors of the lights shine through my tears, allowing me to know when to go or not.
i want to stop crying, believe me, tears just keep pouring out.
my brain replays what i just saw and everything that just happened over and over again.
there's no volume i can turn the music to for that to go away right now, and i hate every second of it.
my tears turn green, and i turn left.
i watch my speed increase on the meter, i smile to myself.
there's not many people on the road right now, i honestly don't care.
he doesn't care, either, vanessa.
he's over you.
you hate yourself & he hates you too.
you should just kill yourself, really.. i mean how could anyone ever miss you?
get out of my head!
do you realize that you're alone? that no one loves you anymore?
you could literally die right now and people would forget your name in a matter of days.
the world doesn't need you.
leave me alone!
he never loved you, he endured you.
you're unlovable, vanessa.
take loads of pills, drink until the contents of your stomach become empty and you feel nothing but the burning of the alcohol in your system.
when you're alive, you're alone. you can just die alone, too.
perfect. a win for everyone.
you don't have to feel anything ever again.
the voices. they're so loud.
my blood boils, my body begins to shake, everything becomes clouded.
i can't take this anymore!
the anxiety built up in my body forces me to speed as fast as i can. i'm no longer in control. i feel myself cry harder & so does my engine.
the trees pass by me faster, everything is moving so quickly. i feel like the flash, like a superhero, the rush is amazing.
my body doesn't have the strength to even keep hold of this speed anymore, i start to feel myself slowing from the racing pace i was just at.
something comes into the road that is no longer just the yellow dotted line.
oh fuck. the tan outline comes into focus quickly.
a deer.
i turn my steering wheel as fast as i can.
i hear my tires drift.
suddenly, gravity disappears.
everything is in slow motion.
i am free.

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zayUUMMM pretty intense. i'm writing double chapters tonight for my lack of posts.

thanks for reading xo

- adrianna