unlovable

part 3

caleb didn't call me for 3 days.
3 entire days of being in my thoughts.
frustration. confusion. anger. sadness.
when my phone started ringing with his name across the top of the screen, i take a deep breathe.
"hey." i mumble.
"hi." he greets.
there's a silence. i sit in my spinning leather chair.
"how are you?" he questions.
"how am i? i don't know, pretty freaking confused." i confess, leaning my head against the back of the chair.
"oh." he mutters.
i sigh in defeat.
"i really, really miss you." i whine.
he murmurs, "i'm sorry."
i shake my head. always apologizing...
it remains silent for a while.
"i hope you're doing well, thank you for calling." i say, my voice shaking slightly.
i tell him this because a tiny piece of me hopes he'll need me someday, hopes he'll come back. i am in a losing situation, though. i have too much hope. i'm so extra. i fuck so many things up. my anxiety gets the best of me sometimes and i truly fuck over everything in my life.. he was the best person to come in my life. the best. i told myself i was going to be okay, we were going to be okay, we were going to work. i fucked this up, too, though.
all i wanted and all i want is him.
"of course, anytime." he speaks softly, the roughness of his deep voice gives me goosebumps.
"goodnight, caleb." i whisper.
"goodnight, vanessa." he whispers back.
i click the end button & sink back into my pillow.

---

i pull open his instagram, i go through his few photos again and again. i smile at the way he smiles, the way his lips go back, the crinkles in his cheeks. the clever captions. i go through his tagged photos & my heart beats louder when i see ours.. my eyes begin to brim with tears, i will never forget what that day was like.

"caleb! i told you i'm going to suck." i protest. he places his hands protectively on my waist.
ribs by lorde echoes throughout the neon roller-rink.
he glides onto the chestnut wood floor, holding my hand.
"come on, baby, it'll be fun." he grins.
i blush & decide to slide onto the rink.
i hold onto the wall for a moment and once i get my balance and grip on the momentum again, i push off the wall. he keeps one hand on the small of my back and the other holds my left hand.
"see, baby, you got this." he leans over and kisses the side of my head.
"i-i think so..." i say, weakly.
i make a worried face and he looks up at me.
then, too quick for him to respond, i push off using the front of my skate and speed up.
i turn my head around to him and stick out my tongue.
"oh, you little..." i hear him playfully threaten me as he speeds up.
"no no no!" i shout, laughing uncontrollably.
we race around the rink, me trying to avoid him & him trying to catch me.
when i skate around near the exit, i watch as he cuts across the middle of the rink to get to me.
i shriek and get off the rink just in time.
my skates slow down on the carpet and i feel his arms wrap around me.
i'm laughing uncontrollably.
"i don't know, something just came over me!" i pretend, tightening my ponytail.
"you're so evil." he smirks and kisses my cheeks a billion times. i remain in his arms, giggling.

i blink rapidly, hot tears are scattered across my entire face. this happens quite often and most of the time i will stop myself, but right now i feel like this is okay.
this is what i need.

---

"honey, you hungry?" my mom calls from the kitchen.
"not really, but i can eat." i say loud enough for her to hear, as i stand in my bedroom.
i send one last text to jordan and then toss my phone on my bed. i walk past the kitchen and head to the living room.
"want a salad?" she asks.
"yes, please." i yawn, laying across the couch.
i close my eyes & let my mind roam a little.
i see him of course, and then it begins to travel darker places. tiny red drops across my thigh. the shine of the blade dragging into my wrist, back and forth. my skin becoming puffy, red & the blood just rolling off onto my thigh below.
i pull the blade up to my neck and--
"honey do you want cucumbers on your salad?"

----

the next day, i finish all my home-schooling work.
the days are fairly lonely without talking to him.. but then again, isn't that the point in breaking up?
i'm not the type to enjoy friends with benefits. i'm really not sure on what to do anymore.
i'm never not going to love him.
you just can't forget.. you may find closure but there's always a place for them in your heart. try all you want to change that fact, but it's true.
i wish i knew how he did it.
how he went from telling me all of these things.. and then legit turning a switch and suddenly-- he cannot be with me. i didn't do anything.
thinking about it even makes me emotional, i would do anything for him. i would go to hell & back for him. i would do everything i could for him. i wish he could be mine, that i could kiss his lips and show him that he's worth every second of my time. i wish i could hold his hand and drive around with him, wherever we wanted to go. i wish i could show him off to my friends/family, i wish i could love him the way he so much deserves.
i was not the person he wanted in the end, and i'm learning to accept that.
there's just something about the past that isn't letting my brain believe that. there's so much to everything.
i don't believe they were lies either, that everything was a lie. when he held me, or looked in my eyes.. i felt it.
he made me the happiest & to this day he still makes me so unbelievably happy, it just has some pain laced behind it. the should haves, could haves & would haves. the constant overthinking on what you could've done to prevent this.
out of my 11 real relationships and nothing changes.
they either can't keep up or i wear them out.
i want to be normal, to be happy & good. always.
there's just something wrong with me...
there has to be.

and that night when i shut my eyes and lay my head on my pillow,

          i drift off into a peaceful world where maybe i could see him again, feel him again.