Invisible Pain

Chapter Twenty-One

    The feeling of not being left alone by Trevor had soon become major threats as he kept on sending her text messages and calling her cellphone constantly. He kept criticizing her, blaming her and her family for their relationship being broken up into pieces whereas it was him and his sister that had broken the love that was once there. Back when Trevor had cared for Karissa when she had broken her silence to him, he pretended to care so he could use her body as a sexual tool and not treat her as a beautiful human being, who was crying for help.
    Even though Karissa has known better not to go back to him, she was seeing Trevor on a daily basis when he gets a chance and she would have casual sex from time to time with him as to her it would help rekindle their relationship. Her mind started to go all over the place once again like it did way before she was seeking help. She stopped taking her medication and made excuses for not coming in to see Dr. Ryan. She started to bring sharp objects in again into her environment and she started cutting over her old scars. She started to feel that sensation and wanted to see herself bleed more and more. "God I miss this!" She would often mutter to herself.
    She could feel her arms being lit on fire as the razor blades she was using was slashing her inner and outer arms to all the way to her shoulders. She cries in agony but could feel the sensation coming back that she once had endured. She cuts herself as much as she could until her body could no longer take anymore of the pain and the torture. Her panic attacks were creeping on her more often than she had wanted to. Karissa had soon realized that she could no longer face anymore pain, like she was used to and decided to do one thing and one thing only as she has never reached out to anyone before besides Dr. Ryan.
    "Karissa, what's wrong Honey? For the past few weeks you've been nothing but happy and now you are down in the dumps again. Please tell me what is going on with you dear." Karissa's mother pleaded with her this time not on the phone but in person. Her mother made a special trip to New York to see Karissa since she had asked her to come see her. The two sat down on Karissa's bed together while her mother was holding her hand. "Mom, the reason why I had told you to come here when you did is that there is something personal that I have to tell you.". Her mother pauses waiting for Karissa to say something but she couldn't get a word out of her. "Darling, please tell me...oh god are you pregnant? No wait you can't be since you aren't with Trevor anymore.". Karissa looks at her mother straight in the eyes, "Oh my god, you ARE aren't you?" Her mother cried, "Do you know how many times I have told you kids to use protection? That's what the damn condoms are for!".
    "Mother please, I'm not pregnant!" Karissa pleaded, "It is something much more worse than that.". Her mother sighed in relief as she rolled her eyes and her hand by her chest. "Jesus Karissa Amber Marie, you have given me a bloody heart attack! What else could be worse besides pregnancy?". Karissa sat in silence and took a big deep breath and began to say "Mom, you know how I have told you before a long time ago that I wouldn't keep secrets from you since you are and only my true best friend? Well, there was something I have been hiding from you and the rest of the family for three years and I just didn't have to courage to say anything since I didn't want to be seen as a freak to you. I was worried that you and dad wouldn't be able to look at me the same way and abandon me as your daughter.".
    "Karissa, you and your father could never turn away from you. The two of us will always be by your side every step of the way for better or for worse and you should know that.", "Then from what I am about to show you may freak you out but please don't be mad.", "You could never make me mad my sweetheart, what is it?". Karissa took another deep breath and rolled up her sleeves of her fleece sweater and the next thing she knows, she immediately saw her mother's reaction as she began to be in a state of shock. "Karissa! What on earth is this?" She took her daughter's arms to examine the cuts and scars that were all over her skin. "Mom...I cut myself." She says to her in tears, "B-But why do you?", "I do it as a stress reliever, I do it because it was my only hope to feel alive and be able to keep myself sane.", "Honey, we need to take you to the emergency. This is terrible, like look at it!". Her mother takes her index finger and touches at as Karissa flinches and pulls away.
    "I know his made be hard for you to understand this and I know it does which don't get me wrong, I am really ashamed of myself that I do this as my doctor says, it's a coping mechanism.", "Your doctor?" Her mother asked confusedly, "My Psychiatrist, Mom I have Depression and Anxiety. This is why I do this, this is why I am sad all the time behind closed doors, this is why I had moved away from home so I could be away from everything that has happened to me in the past. Do you hate me now?". "Oh Karissa honey, come here." Her mother embraces her, "Why on earth do you think I would hate you for this? I never really knew what self-harm is and as your mother, it does terrify me a lot but I know this is something you have to do to get rid of the pain.".
    "Really? I am so relieved." Karissa says with a smile, "I just...I just thought I would have a hard time explaining this one more than anything since nobody dealt with Depression in our family except me.", "But if you are still committing this act, then why seeing a shrink isn't helping?", "It is mom, it really is. It's just that the only thing was I was put on medication or antidepressants if you want to call it and everything was helping me except I stopped taking my meds and began my mess again.", "But why did you relapse?", "Trevor has been harassing me through calls and text messages and he really treated me like shit mom, for the past few months and I didn't have the courage to tell you or dad what was going on with him and I.", "Did he hurt you psychically?", "No...he hurt me through words and blamed me for everything. He has a sister, remember the one that I had told you about...well she excuse my language but a real bitch who accused me and made fun of my Depression thinking it was something laugh about.".
    "He told me that no one was ever going to love me nor marry me since I don't have the capability." Karissa's mother soon began to have an angry look in her eyes, "You may not hear this from me but I want to kill that son of a bitch who tells my beautiful daughter what you can or cannot do. What a controlling asshole!". Karissa was surprised to hear her mother curse as she never heard her do that before.
"My dear, I wish you could have come to me so much sooner, I could of helped you out as much I possibly can.", "The only reason why I ended seeing a shrink when I did mom was I had an incident at work where I had cut myself and passed out into unconsciousness and was in the hospital for several days.", "When did the hell did that happen?", "Several weeks ago.", "Is that why you quit your job there?", "Yes, because I knew nothing would ever be the same again.". The two hugged each other for a long time and cried together as Karissa was so relieved to know how understanding her mother really was and she knew telling Trevor was a big mistake but it was going to be found out anyway.
Then Karissa's iPhone vibrated once more, she knew it was going to be Trevor and yet it was. "I can't be in his shadow anymore mom." She says, "Do what you have to do Honey, please end this with him.". Karissa nods her head and faces away from her mother as she reads the message: "So, have you met any guys lately?", "Why do you care?", "Well, don't you want to get laid?", "No I don't", "Ah-hah you have found someone!", "No I didn't, Trevor leave me be please.", "What? Don't you miss my dick?". Karissa takes Trevor cell number and deletes it including all of the messages he has sent to her.
"How'd it go?" Karissa's mother asked, "It went very well, he is clearly out of my life.".