Dear Journal,
June 27th, 2011
I was really hoping I could really get that mistaken pregnancy out of my head, I really did forget until my damn mother had to open her mouth about Marcus...GOD that feeling sure makes me want to cut again...but to this day I could never tell anyone why that happened the way it did, but I don't believe he told mom...that would make it really awkward. I hope I never make that same mistake ever again until it's actually planned on my part. I know at the time he wanted to have kids with me but I just wasn't ready and he was my first too. We were going to wait to have sex at the time but I guess we got a little bit too excited on my birthday if you know what I mean.
After that abortion, I refused to answer any of his calls or text messages since I know we couldn't go back to the way we were and I know I'm going to hell since I'm Catholic. But I'm actually going to hell anyway since I keep on self inflicting myself. I wish I could tell someone how I feel and don't want to be seen as an attention seeker, but I guess not everyone can see my point of view since many haven't gone through it that level of pain.
There's times that I want to die so badly that my anxiety will shoot through the roof. I can't breathe, I can't think, all I ever want to do is crawl into a deep, dark hole that I can't myself out of and stay the hell there...yeah that doesn't sound so bad.
My cutting has gotten worse since I've left for NYC because I miss home but part of me doesn't always want to go back to Beacon. I know I haven't written Journal in a long time and I know sometimes that helps but I've been longing for a friend...a boyfriend perhaps that could love me for who I am and not judge me. I want to find that prince charming who won't push me for sex and will wait until I am ready to give in. But honestly Journal...am I ever going to find that? I'm trying so damn hard to be this positive, bubbly girl but I can't 24/7. Does that make sense??
YOU ARE READING
Invisible Pain
Non-FictionThis book tells a story of a young bright woman named Karissa Hanley, whose had everything going for her. She was working at a great job in downtown New York, her boss and co-workers adore her and she had made enough money to be able support herself...
