Lazarus Project: Mass Effect 2 (Shenko)

Chapter 5

Milky Way/Serpent Nebula/Widow System/Citadel

Earth year: 2183 CE --- May

Joker felt broken in his heart as much as he was in his bones. He couldn't get the image of Shepard, silhouetted by the blackness of space as she'd pushed the eject button for his evac shuttle out of his mind. It was seared in his brain like a stamp of guilt on his heart. The wait for rescue was eternal, the last minutes aboard the Normandy replaying in his inner vision like an endless nightmare.

When Shepard had helped him to the escape pod, the bones in his right arm had fractured. When she'd jettisoned the pod away from wreckage of the Normandy, the sudden acceleration had thrown him against the wall, snapping his femur and cracking his ribs.

Yet the physical pain of was nothing compared to the guilt and grief that consumed him as he sat alone in the shuttle. His mind playing out in horrific detail what was happening to Shepard while he sat there, safe, alive and breathing.

By the time the Agincourt's medical team wheeled him to the med bay, he was tear-stained and distraught, his eyes burning from the salt of his tears. His guilt so complete that as he'd caught a brief glimpse of Kaidan, standing apart from everyone on the cargo bay, he wished he were dead. Anything would have been preferable to how he felt - alone, guilty and ashamed. He'd been certain Kaidan would rip him a new one, had expected it, even welcomed it. But Kaidan had done nothing, hadn't even acknowledged him or spoken a word.

When he'd returned to the Citadel and was released from the hospital, he'd made straight for Chora's Den only to find it gone. In his grief he'd forgotten about Sovereign and Saren and the destruction of the ward where Chora's Den had been. With painstaking slowness, he'd made his way to back to Flux, determined to drink himself into oblivion. He didn't care how long it took to get there, but he was going to drink and he was going to keep drinking until he could drink no more.

Settling himself at the bar, he'd ordered an entire bottle of Thessia Red. He didn't care how expensive it was or the look he got from the bartender as he upended the bottle, refusing the glass she offered and drinking half before pausing for breath.

As the room began to spin and his vision to blur, he drank the second half, deliriously pleased that already he'd lost his ability to think clearly. With dismay, he realized too late that he'd forgotten to locate the bathroom before downing the entire bottle. Gripping his chair arms with both hands as he swayed in his seat, he peered out at the room, trying to pinpoint it's location without having to ask for help.

Seeing no signs posted anywhere, he slid carefully off his chair keeping his grip on the arms to keep from falling while the room spun around him. Turning slowly in a full circle, he rotated in place, forcing himself to focus on his goal.

"There you are!" He exclaimed. It wasn't far, so he made his way carefully down the bar, seating himself within feet of the entrance.

His fingers numb and his mouth feeling stuffed with cotton, he signaled the waitress to bring him a second bottle. He returned the next day to repeat the ritual. By the third day he was having trouble remembering his name, never mind Shepard's face or what had happened.

While he was downing the first bottle on his third day of his drinking binge, he saw Anderson appear at the entrance to Flux. Anderson caught his eye and began making his way over to him.

"Lieutenant Moreau." Anderson said, sliding into the chair beside him.

"Sir." Joker slurred, not looking up from his hands that were wrapped tightly around his bottle of Thessia Red.

"What do you think you're doing Lieutenant?" Anderson demanded.

"Very funny Councilor." Joker laughed, amused by the question. "What's it look like I'm doing?"