Battle Scars - Lams

25; I want it to be okay

"Jacky! Are you okay?"

Hamilton swiftly ran over to his friend, who was currently looking at his bleeding knee. His eyebrows were knotted and tears pricked at the rims of his eyes.

Hamilton quickly knelt in front of Laurens and put his hand on the side of Laurens' head.

"It's okay Jacky! We can just get a bandaid."

"It really hurts, Ham."

Laurens looked at his friend, his face slightly trembling. He never dealt well with injuries, or pain in general. Hamilton took a deep breath and grabbed Laurens' hand, pulling him up gently.

"Come on Jacky, let's go get you a bandaid! You're a tough boy, I know you can get through it!"

Laurens giggled softly, gripping Hamilton's hand, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah! You're the strongest and cutest person I know!"

Laurens giggled some more, "Okay! But you're super cute as well!"

Hamilton grinned, "Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah!"

* * *

Laurens sobbed into his pillow, which was now drenched. He didn't know what to do, what to think, what to say.

All he had been doing was sobbing. Sobbing his heart out. He had started hiccuping a few minutes ago, so all he was at that moment was a blubbering mess.

Seabury was in class, so Laurens was alone. As always. Alone to think. Which didn't really end well, but who cares.

He didn't know what to do with Hamilton. He loved him, yes, but what he did was horrible. It tore his apart. Laurens knew he didn't have to forgive him but he just wanted to so bad.

He gripped onto his pillow tighter, his sobs becoming more violent and loud. God damn, he was scared. All he wanted was happiness, love. He wanted it to be simple.

But so many things got blurred between him and Hamilton. It pained him so much. Laurens was so in love with Hamilton, but he was afraid he didn't feel the same way.

Sure, he said it, but that didn't mean anything. Words are just words, they can be lies for all anyone knows.

He just wanted Hamilton to hold his face in his hands and tell him everything would be alright. He wanted to lay in bed with him, discussing anything, or maybe not talking at all.

He wanted to sit next to him, and just be around him. He didn't care, he just wanted Hamilton to be his. Laurens was so scared that it wasn't working out. He wanted it to work, he really did.

Laurens sighed softly, letting his grip soften on the pillow. Who was he kidding, it wasn't going to work out. Both Laurens and Hamilton were way to brash, and never thought before they spoke.

He heard a quiet knock on the dorm door, and quietly panicked. Laurens didn't want anyone seeing him like this, but he wasn't going to ignore it.

So, slowly, he got up and cautiously opening the door.

"Hey."

Hamilton stared at Laurens, a weak smile plastered on his face.

Laurens felt bitter tears prick at his eyes again, "Hey."

"I just, came around to check on you? Because I went to class and you weren't there."

Laurens let out a shaky breath, "I'm okay. Just had a small breakdown before, but I was just thinking."

"Okay. Hey, I kind of wanted to talk about what happened, if you'd like? I feel like you need to get some stuff off your chest."

"I think that sounds good. Do you want to, uh, come in?"

"If that's okay."

Laurens moved slightly to let Hamilton walk in. They both sat next to each other on Laurens' bed. There was silence for a moment, until Laurens interrupted quietly.

"I just feel like I'm not good enough. It's like you thought I wasn't enough. I know you were drunk but I can't help but feel so hurt over it. Maybe you want other people? Maybe you don't even like me? I just don't get it."

Hamilton sighed, "To be honest, I don't get it either. What I did was terrible, and I don't expect you to forgive or excuse my actions. But Laurens, my dear, I really do love you. From the moment I first laid eyes on you I feel a sort of, how do you say, connection? I don't want to break that connection."

"I don't either but it feels like I'm just a toy to you. Like all you want me for is some sweet words and then you don't need me. It's like I'm nothing."

"You're not nothing, you're my everything, love. I care so much about you, and you are most definitely not a toy."

"Why are you so calm about it?"

"Because I don't want to upset you any further. I feel that if I am not calm I will cause even more pain. I'm just trying to keep things okay."

Laurens sighed softly, "I love you Hamilton, I really do. It's just going to take a while for me to forgive you."

"I understand, take as long as you need. But if you need to talk to me about it further, I am here."

"I know. I love you so, so much."

"I love you too."

* * *

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Update???

Feeling pretty shitty so this is really bad yikes

Ily though