Everything That Could Have Been

Kaelan

Kaelan

                A paper-bag party is the dumbest fuck I’ve ever heard of. Really? A paper-bag party? Why not next year we put boxes on our heads? There’s no way I’m going, though I don’t think I’m actually invited. Forget that. I felt guilty for flipping out on Saffron. She meant no harm and I straight out bit her. Since then, she gave a weak smile instead of a wave, she created distance between us. I’m actually glad she isn’t ignoring me completely, though I totally deserve that. Maybe I’m too lost in Audrey to like someone else. Though the thought of liking someone else seemed absurd because I don’t know a lot of girls. Maybe it could work out between me and Saffron. We did share a kiss and we are somewhat close. But then I thought of Audrey and her laugh, I thought of Audrey and her smile, I thought of Audrey and the way she’d twirl her hair with her fingers when she was nervous. Audrey isn’t Saffron and Saffron isn’t Audrey. It won’t be fair to Saffron if I dated her because I wanted to get over Audrey. I took out my wallet and looked at my favorite photo of me and Audrey. Yes that’s right I put it in my wallet now because I couldn’t go a day not seeing her and this sudden change is taking its toll on me, a photo of her is nothing compared to seeing her in real life and I can’t do that anymore.

            I decided to stop by the grocery store and stock up on some food supplies. I grabbed a few boxes of cereal, cartons of eggs and instant noodles, what you can call ‘lazy people food’, because it doesn’t require much effort to make. I can’t remember the last time my mom made homemade food. My teen years were all about Chinese takeout and pizza delivery. I remembered skipping a few meals too. As I made my way out of the store, holding a few bags of items, I spotted Saffron sitting on the bench playing the ukulele and humming to a song. Her eyes were closed and she was gently swaying. It was quite chilly out but she doesn’t seem bothered by the cold, I wonder if she does this a lot.

            “Uhh…Hi…” I said awkwardly. “See you’re playing a song there”. I stuttered as I pointed to the instrument in her hands.

            “Yooo…hi! It’s just some old country song...’twas thinking of playin’ some spooky song to get in the mood for Halloween but…” she looked sedated, as if she smoked some weed before sitting here but her eyes looked fine and I didn’t smell smoke on her. She patted the spot next to her and I took a seat. She put down her instrument and looked me straight in the eye and said “I think I know what ya here for”. I shook my head, she can’t possibly read my mind right?

            “I actually wanted to ask…if you know…it will work out…between the two of us…” I kind of whispered that last bit and I turned away from her and tried to cover my face with my scarf. I shouldn’t have said that because it won’t work out between us, I know it won’t. I don’t even like her that way, the only reason why I wanted to date her was to get Audrey off my mind and so people will stop thinking I like Cheyenne.

            “Rumor has it ya got a thin’ for Cheyenne. Tell me I’m wrong friend, ya can’t possibly like her right?” she chuckled and leaned back against the bench. She thinks it’s because of Cheyenne. Well that excuse works fine, at least it doesn’t sound like I’m making use of her that much.

            “Yeah it’s a rumor and I don’t want…anyone to think I like her. I really don’t and you know it!” I sounded a bit too desperate. Maybe. There was a moment of silence, she processed the idea and giggled, as if she was amused by the idea. Saffron pulled my beanie down, covering my eyes.

            “I get it now. Yeah sure. What are friends for right?” she was smiling but I could tell she was upset. She seemed so. She said goodbye and gathered her things and left. I feel like a jerk. She’s probably mad but too nice to actually be mad. What am I doing now, pretending to date Saffron so people don’t think I like Cheyenne. I can’t believe I’m stooping so low, walking over everyone’s feelings. Like I always do, this is why everyone hates you Kaela, you use people, you are an insensitive asshole. I hate me too.

            I dropped the groceries off at my house and went to the beach.

            I remembered I met Audrey here before and she said she felt as if she could tell me everything. She could, because I’d be here to listen, I’d keep my mouth shut, we’d trade secrets, and there’d only be the 2 of us. Everything can go back to the way it was. The tide was low, the water was slightly cold, the beach was empty. I was alone. I kicked the white sand and watched it catch the breeze and fly. I dug around for seashells. I went home with covered in sand and a handful of seashells.

            I tried to dust most of the sand off at the doorstep, I ran the seashells under running water, washing the sand off. I placed one to my ear. Everyone says that you can hear the sea but if you place a cup to your ear, you hear the same thing. It doesn’t sound like the sea. But it came from the sea. I placed them next to my bed. I took a long shower. The mirror started misting up and I wrote words on it. ‘I hate you’. My blurred reflection stared back at me. ‘I hate you too, we share something :)” The smile was a little lopsided and the water started dripping so I couldn’t read the full message. I’m probably going to take some pills before going to bed. I’m surprised I haven’t killed myself yet, despite hating myself so much, despite hating everyone, I’m still breathing.

~

            I didn’t go. I know pretty much the whole school did because it was a ‘valid excuse’ to cut class. But I didn’t. I don’t want to see her buried or cremated. I didn’t go to school either. I just stayed in bed thinking about how her corpse might look. Maybe they’d dress her in her favorite dress or her would-be prom dress. So much planning goes into a funeral. I wondered how my funeral would go. Then I remembered having one wasn’t necessary because no one would show up. I don’t ever want to face Audrey’s parents, I disappointed them, because I let her die, yes I did, it wasn’t the car which killed her it was me. I didn’t do anything. Anything. I just watched. I just let it happen. Because I was a coward. Halloween is in 2 days’ time, falls on a weekend. That’s when the shitty party is gonna be. Barely a week after her funeral and everyone is already having fun. Life must go on, I get that, but when you get over something so quickly, I can’t help but doubt. I’m insecure too.