Everything That Could Have Been

Kaelan

Kaelan

            Everyone has secrets, some secrets are good and some are bad, and some, are better left unsaid. When you know someone else’s secret and it’s not a good secret and it’s one which will hurt others, you shouldn’t tell it. Secrets aren’t even meant to be told, because when you do, it’s not a secret anymore. Keeping secrets can kill, not physically but it screws with you especially when it has to do with someone else’s feelings. And this-this fucking secret I’m keeping, the fact that dickhead Dedrick is cheating on Audrey with her best friend of all people, I don’t know. ‘I don’t know’ has become my answer to everything. I’m useless, I’m hopeless, I didn’t have the guts to say “I’ll miss you” when she left all those years back. I’m at a loss, I can say it, I can tell big mouth Charlie and he’d spread it. But who am I? Who is ‘Kaelan’? Who is he to spread dirt about sweet Audrey and lady-killer Dedrick? Who will believe him? And who will even look in his direction after that? 

 The truth is, I’m no one, I blend in with the background, I melt into the environment, people can graduate without even knowing the name ‘Kaelan’ and people can laugh about a guy they have never even seen or heard of before. I guess it’s good, because like I said, I’m a freak, crazy, messed up and the only thing I’m good at is hurting other people.

I hate keeping secrets. Especially when it has to do with other people, getting involved in other people’s business is the dumbest shit ever. I really didn’t expect Dedrick to cheat on Audrey so soon, yeah I know he’s a player and a fucking douche but Cheyenne is Audrey’s best friend, hell, if she finds out she’s gonna lose the two precious people in her life. She’s so innocent, heart so fragile, I want to put my arms around her, I want to be her safe place, her shelter from the torrential rain. I want her hand in mine, I’d treat her right, we’ll both be laughing again, just like we did so long ago. I remembered how she talked about her cousin and his guitar and that she thinks ukuleles are cool, she still likes fruit cakes. When she walked pass me last week, her arms linked with Cheyenne’s I can smell her scent and she smells exactly like how she did when we were younger, of Jasmine and Frangipani; she said it’s because she loved putting flowers in her hair but I really think that’s just how she smells like and that’s just her. But I know I can never tell her these words because I’m nothing to her, nothing, I’m not popular, I can’t play no musical instruments, heck, I don’t even have friends, I lost everyone I held precious, because all I do is hurt people and disappoint everyone. I couldn’t be there for my mom and now she’s like a fucking zombie, I want to look for my dad and beat some sense into him, I want to tell him to come back and fix everything. I want to do a lot of things, but you know what? I can’t.

I reached the door of my house; I opened the door, my life a routine which has been the same for a very long time. I want to cry but I can’t because dad once said that real men don’t cry. No, don’t cry, don’t show anyone how weak you are, and how much it hurts you. Shut up, I know you think it’s just a crush and I’d get over it, there are many other fishes in the sea but fuck you she was my sea. I know you think she’s changed yes everyone does, I did too, you did too. I dragged my bag up to my room, my mom isn’t around so I blasted Mayday Parade and All Time Low. I have to do something but what? What can I do? What can someone like me do without hurting someone as fragile as her? I’m just choking on my own misery. Hoping she opens her eyes and notices her childhood playmate after all these years? Hah, wishful thinking.

Beep

I checked my phone, I rarely get messages and as much as a dork it makes me sound but I actually look forward to receiving messages. It’s Arthur, the freaking Geography representative, (yes we have a subject rep because our teacher is too lazy to relay info herself and she doesn’t really do anything in class except tell us to read our textbook).