T's Hopeline | ✓

17. Unknown Status

Please let me know what you think and your feelings throughout this chapter, it's dedicated to Angelyusa, an amazing reader who requested for it to hurry because the wait was killing her.

17. Unknown Status

Tessa's POV

Dear diary,

It's been a long week, it felt like it would never end. School was worse than usual, I'm swamped with homework and cramped with tests (and actual cramps) but that wasn't the worst part.

He's gone, he's actually gone.

I don't know why, where he's gone or when he's coming back or even if he's ever coming back. I don't even know what the heck is going on, he's simply M.I.A. and I don't like it. I've been afraid of the worst all week long, scared of finding him in the obituary section of the newspaper.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts... Maybe it's just an unplanned trip, perhaps he's visiting his gramma who fell ill unexpectedly or something. Hopefully, he's not doing anything dangerous. Maybe he has already, did he go through with it this time? Please tell me he hasn't!

I don't want to think that is even possible, that awful things could have or will happen to him. I don't know and I'm not liking this at all. I just want him to be ok, that's not too much to ask is it? An update on how everything is would be lovely too, I'm desperate for one.

I hope, I can only hope that he's ok. He has to be okay! He wouldn't have finally go through with it and committed suicide without saying a word, or would he? Wouldn't he say goodbye? To his family and friends, to me? Am I not important to him, am I not his friend? How could I not be, he said it himself, I heard every thought and handled every feeling and crisis, right?

Could he have been buttering me up, saying was I was doing a nice job so when I heard the news that he was dead I wouldn't be mad or upset? Does he honestly think this is only a job for me and that it isn't personal now?

It is, it has been for a long time. This isn't just a job for me anymore, he is my friend and I don't want to lose him, not like this at least.

Please tell me I didn't lose you, James.

Over these last months, you've become too precious to lose, I like you a lot, I freaking adore you! You're the closest thing I have to a best friend that isn't Chelsea, but that's because we're a packaged deal, we have been for a long ass freaking time and I don't see that changing. I can't lose either of you, I hope I don't lose her over a boy and you because of your depression because you couldn't handle it anymore and you committed suicide. Please don't do it, there is plenty to live for in live!!

Please don't go, I can't lose you!"

At this point, I couldn't even see the page properly, the lines and text were blurry due to the tears that had filled my eyes. My hands were shaking up to the point where I couldn't write or even control them properly and my throat felt like it had a knot in it, making swallowing a difficult task.

"Please don't go, James. Please don't!" I sobbed a few times, trying to control my erratic breathing and calming myself down, but I failed. Miserably for that matter. "Please don't go, I can't-I can't lose you." I whisper-yell to myself, barely being able to speak properly.

The pain inside me is getting worse by the minute, I'm terrified, completely terrified and scared... But I have to let it out, that's what I tell him, right? To pour your sins out and you'll be able to find peace?