Holly Would You Turn Me On? (Alex Gaskarth fanfic)

Chapter Twenty Five

SONG FOR THIS CHAPTER: Take Cover by All Time Low

This entire chapter is inspired by All Time Lows new song which is incredible!
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- 2 weeks later -

"Rian, please you have to promise me you aren't going to tell Alex." I begged the tall man in front of me as he rubbed his face in frustration.
"I don't think you understand what you're doing Holly. That's his child. You can't just take it away from him now. How will you live with yourself knowing that you got rid of your own baby?" Rian asked, exhaling loudly as he shook his head.
"You think I won't feel guilty? You think that as soon as it's over I'll just be able to pretend like it never happened? As much as I don't want to admit it I already love my baby. I love the tiny bump on my stomach. I don't mind the morning sickness or the tiredness or the fact my clothes don't fit me anymore because I love my baby. They're a part of me." I said, swallowing hard as I choked back the tears threatening to spill from my eyes.
"So why are you doing this?" Rian asked softly as he stepped forward to embrace me. Now I allowed the tears to fall freely from my eyes. It was a relief to finally get this off my chest.
"I can't be a mother." I whispered as I lay my head on Rian's broad shoulder and returned his comforting embrace. "I'm not ready Rian. I don't have a job. Alex is struggling with money even though he won't admit it, we can't afford a baby! Plus we've only been together five minutes Rian. I've only known you all for six months, Alex and I have been together for almost four months. Four months and already expecting a baby. How many couples do you know who have gotten pregnant that fast?"
"Holly-" Rian started but I cut him off.
"There's also the matter of his job. I can't expect you guys to put your career on hold because of me. Sure you could just get a replacement singer for a while but Alex loves what he does so much that it wouldn't be fair on him. All the time he was here with the baby he'd just want to be with you guys." I said quietly.
"Holly, I know I can't stop you from doing this." Rian sighed after a moment of silence between us.
"So you're not going to tell him?" I questioned. "Look, this time tomorrow I won't be pregnant anymore and we can all go back to normal."
"Just be careful Holls." Rian sighed. I noticed he hadn't promised me anything but I trusted he would keep his mouth shut.
"Rian. Alex will be home in like five minutes. If he knows you're here he'll ask questions. This needs to be a secret." I told him. Rian grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair and picked up his phone from the table.
"I'll see you soon. I know I can't change your mind but this secret isn't going to make you many friends when everyone finds out, especially Alex. You'll crush him. I'm just asking you to rethink." Rian smiled before leaning in, pressing a kiss to my forehead and leaving.

As I had predicted, Alex came home shortly after Rian had left and was grinning like the Cheshire Cat from the second he stepped through the door.
"Holly I have something to show you!" He grinned as he dropped his rucksack and I heard the rustle of shopping bags.
"What is it?" I asked as he walked down the hallway and joined me in the kitchen. His entire face was lit up in the joy of this surprise which automatically had my head in overdrive. What was he so excited about?
"Well before I show you anything, I want to tell you how much I've missed you this morning." Alex said, putting his surprise on the table. The secret thing was still in its opaque bag making it impossible to see.
"I missed you." I told him as he wrapped his warm arms around my middle and brought me in for a long hug. After a minute he pulled away and the grin returned to his face.
"Okay, close your eyes." He instructed, and for once I did as he asked. A soft piece of cloth was put in my outstretched hands and I immediately opened my eyes. My expression became confused as I looked at the tiny piece of white material and then I looked at it properly. It was a white baby grow with 'I love my mommy' written across the front in curly yellow writing. Tears welled in my eyes and I felt incredibly guilty. Alex was clearly waiting for some kind of response from me and suddenly I needed to feel something that wasn't this overwhelming guilt. I put the baby grow on the table and immediately grabbed the collar of Alex's leather jacket, pulling him closer to me and kissing him hard. He was clearly shocked but quickly responded to my actions as I tried to make this go further.
"Are you okay?" He asked pulling away suddenly and leaving me breathless.
"Do you love me?" I blurted out avoiding his question. His eyebrows raised and he looked shocked.
"Holl, where has-"
"Do you love me?" I repeated, not letting him finish.
"I mean, I think so. Where is this coming from?" He finally answered. His first sentence was the only confirmation I needed as I began to kiss him again. My hands began to push his jacket off of his shoulders and I smiled a little when he removed his hands from me and I heard the jacket hit the floor. Next my fingers began to tug on the hem of his plain t-shirt and that was when he really picked up on where I was trying to make this go. We broke apart for a couple of minutes but only so that we could find our way to the messy bedroom.
"This won't hurt the baby will it?" Alex asked as he hovered over me, kissing down my neck and along my shoulder.
"Not even a tiny bit." I murmured, rolling my eyes at his question.
"Are you sure? I don't want them to get hurt because of us." He said. I froze and tore my eyes from his, instead choosing to focus on his bare chest. The guilt I had been trying to suppress rose to the surface and I knew it was only a matter of time before it consumed me.
"Stop talking." I whispered. I could feel tears beginning to pool in my eyes. Our baby was going to get hurt because of us, because of me. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on something else like the feeling of Alex's left hand holding mine as his right hand trailed across my bare stomach. I could feel Alex's eyes watching my face and slowly I opened my own eyes to look at him.
"What's wrong?" He whispered as he saw the tears that clouded my eyes.
"I can't do this." I told him, pushing him gently so that he hasn't on top of me anymore and standing up quickly, sending a wave of nausea and dizziness through my body. I pulled my shirt on quickly and leant against the wall as my stomach did flips.
"Can't do what?" Alex asked, clearly confused. I could hear him moving on the bed as he came to stand beside me.
"Leave me alone Alex please." I begged as his hands touched my shoulders.
"Holly what's going on?" He asked again as he dropped his hands to his side's and came to stand in front of me. "If you don't want to see anyone I'll tell Rian and Cass they can't come over later."
"What?" I questioned, momentarily distracted.
"Rian and Cassadee are coming over later, remember? You and Cass wanted to catch up so you asked them both to come over for pizza?" He told me. I vaguely remembered making the plans over a week ago. "What's going on?"
I had to tell him. There was no way this conversation was going to end without me telling him the truth about what I was planning. I took a deep breath and looked him directly in the eyes.
"Remember I asked you if you loved me and you said you think you do? Please remember that when I tell you this okay?"
"Are you about to tell me that you're cheating?" Alex asked, a broken expression on his face. He was so confused which only made me feel worse and the guilt mixed with the nausea was horrible.
"God no Alex! Don't be stupid of course I'm not!" I told him. A sigh escaped my lips and I had to bite down hard on my tongue to stop myself crying.
"What is it then?"
"Alex, I love you okay, I love you I really do but I've made a desicion about our future together which I'm scared might tear us apart. If you hate me after this I totally get it but before you jump to conclusions I want you to listen to me and understand why I have to do this." I began. He opened his mouth to talk but I shook my head. "Let me finish please. Alex, tomorrow I'm going to get an abortion. I think it's for the best. We don't have the money or the space, it will ruin your career and I'm not ready."
"Holly! No! You can't do this! That's our baby!" He yelled,  tears streamed down both of our faces as he reached out to touch me but I took a step back to avoid his grasp.
"Alex, you said when we found out I was pregnant that it was my choice whether we kept it or not! Please don't make this harder." I pleaded him as I wiped my teary eyes.
"Who knows about this?" He asked after a moment of silence.
"No one." I lied.
"Bullshit! Absolute fucking bullshit!" He shouted.
"Why don't you believe me! I said no one else knows?"
"Who is it? Jack? Your sister? Archer? Zack? Adia? Come on spit it out!"
"It's Rian!" I yelled before sliding down the wall and sitting on the ground with my knees pulled up to my chest and my head covered by my arms. "Rian doesn't want me to do it but he said he'd take me to the clinic and bring me home when it's done."
"What the fuck! Why didn't he tell me?!"
"I made him promise Alex! I didn't want to hurt you!"
"Well you've done a great job of that haven't you Holly!" He laughed sarcastically as he spun round to look at the bedroom door. He started making his way towards it before spinning round to look at me. "You know, I actually thought I loved you. I thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I thought that I was going to get what I wanted; a family but I can see now. I can't love you because I don't really know who you are do I? You would kill our baby. Our unborn helpless little baby. You would take away their future, and the possibility of ours." He laughed again before leaving the room and slamming the door behind him. It only took him a couple of seconds to reach the front door and he slammed that even harder.
"Alex." I called out, though I knew it was useless, he was already gone.