You And Me (Gallavich)

It Hurts Inside

"What the fuck do you mean he's gone?"

"He left. Ian is gone, Lip. Last night, he took off."

"What the fu- why?"

Fiona glanced at Mickey, who sat at the kitchen table staring at the wall ahead of him. The tear stains, the red eyes, the look in his eyes- it broke Fiona's heart. They blue eyes were now empty, the beauty that was once in them gone. It was as if Mickey had cried the colour away. The way his face was twisted into a look that seemed as if he couldn't stomach his pain any longer. His fingers clenched against the tabletop.

"Fuck, Mickey!" Lip shouted, startling Fiona although Mickey didn't move an inch. It was as if he wasn't aware of all going on around him. Everybody was frantic about Ian leaving, and deep down they all knew there was only once person to blame.

Mickey. But with his state, almost nobody had the heart to blame him.

"Does anything go fucking right in this house!?" Lip seethed. He gave one last disgusted look to Mickey, but Fiona saw right through it. Lip wasn't stupid, he knew the pain Mickey must be going through. Lip turned and left the room with one last curse. Fiona gave a sympathetic look to Mickey who looked as if he'd break down in tears.

"Mickey-"

"Don't," Mickey croaked. He weakly met Fiona's eyes but couldn't keep a stare. He averted his eyes as quickly as he met them, and looked down at the table again. "It's all my fucking fault. I get it. I... I just fucking..."

Mickey stopped, letting a tear fall down his left cheek. He closed his eyes as his lips trembled, not even bothering to hide himself. "I," he started again, cutting himself off with a broken sob. He looked at Fiona with watery eyes. "I can't put into words how much my fucking heart is aching right now."

And with that he slowly stood up and left the house, leaving a devastated Fiona behind.

-
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One week later

As Colin walked towards his youngest brother who sat in the dugouts, he felt himself slow at the state of the boy. Mickey was drinking some shitty alcohol, sitting underneath the chin up bar. Fresh tears stained his cheeks, and it was obvious he'd gotten no sleep the past few days. His eyes redder than ever, a stubble growing on his chin, body small and weak. 

"Hey," Colin spoke as he approached Mickey, leaning against the pole beside his brother. Mickey didn't acknowledge his presence. Just stared ahead as if he was the only person left in the world. "How you-"

"You remember that time, when you got thrown in jail for the first time? I was only seven years old?"

Colin stared at Mickey wide eyed for a minute. Mickey still stared ahead, as if he'd said nothing. Colin crossed one ankle over the other and shoved his hands in his pockets. Clearing his throat, he replied, "Yeah. I got caught doin' graffiti on the school wall."

"And Iggy had to drag me to the prison so I could visit you?"

"He did? Shit."

"And he told you," Mickey paused and sniffled, wiping his nose. "He told you it was no big deal? That I didn't put up a fight at all?"

"Yeah."

"When you were gone, that was the first time I felt some kind of pain that wasn't physical. I wasn't getting my ass beat by dad, and I wasn't in a school fight. It hurt inside of me, Colin. I didn't know why. I couldn't make it stop. I was so fucking young, sitting on the porch stairs and crying my little heart out because I lost my big brother. I was so goddamn distraught over a small crime you did,  because I didn't know you'd be back the next day. I thought you were gone forever.

"It burns, Colin. I know you might never understand it, but just fucking try to feel what I am right now. I am hurting inside. My stomach churns when I think of how he left. The one reason I had left to live, my will to breathe everyday left me. Now you tell me, what do I got left? I ain't got shit here without him. Yesterday I wanted to down a whole fucking bottle of pills and drown in alcohol, but I knew it wouldn't make a fucking difference because I been dead since he left. You don't know how it feels when someone says you matter, you can do it, you can make it, I believe in you, and then they leave. He took whatever fucking hope and life I had left with him, man. I'm done, it's over."

Colin had no words. He looked down at his brother, mirroring the face Mickey had which was full of sorrow and grief. He had tears pricking at his eyes, because he realized that Mickey really was affected by this. This wasn't just a breakup, it was a heartbreak. His little brother was destroyed forever. "You think... maybe he'll come back?"

Mickey gave one little shake of his head and looked at the ground, picking at the gravel. "Nah, he ain't the type." He looked up and gave a bitter laugh. "Fuck, he's stubborn. It's like I fuckin'... brainwashed myself into thinking he might come back. I'm making myself mad, man. Waiting for him, I get more pissed by the second."

"At who?" Colin asked quietly.

"I don't know," Mickey replied truthfully. "Him or me. I'm mad at everything. I'm mad that he wasn't happy and that he didn't tell me. He just ran off. You know what that means? It means he thought I wouldn't care. That if he told me he was unhappy I wouldn't give a single fuck, and that's why he ran off without a word."

"You know," Colin cleared his throat, kicking lightly at the gravel underneath his feet. "Those who don't care anymore once cared too much."

Mickey shook his head, not bothering to believe his brother's words. "A few months ago he was the reason I didn't kill myself. Now he's the fucking reason I want to die."

"C'mon, Mickey. Don't talk like-"

"Am I that easy to walk away from?" Mickey interrupted, looking up at Colin. "Shit. I wouldn't be able to fucking do what he did, just leave without a trace, a note, anything."

"You can't blame yourself-"

"He left his family because of me, the most perfect fucking thing to do is blame myself," Mickey spat. He chugged the rum down, throwing the bottle and hearing glass break distantly. "It's not just him leaving. His whole family is broke up over him leaving. I'm the reason for that. Now Fiona and Lip are gonna be worrying about him while I sit around on my ass. I already looked for hin,  asked around, no sign. He's gone, man."

"Sounds like you don't wanna find him," Colin commented quietly. Mickey didn't have the energy to argue.

"He doesn't want me to find him, what's the fucking point?"

"So that's it?" Colin asked unbelievably, scoffing a little. "You're just gonna sit on your ass? Don't you want a fucking answer? Don't you wanna know why the bitch left?"

Mickey didn't reply, but Colin knew he made a point. "You gotta hunt the fucker down and ask him. You deserve to know, Mick. You do. And if you're not gonna do anything about it then you're gonna end up sitting on your ass forever waiting and wondering why he left. Go get your answers man, you deserve them."

Mickey said nothing, but his expression had changed a little. Colin could see the tiniest bit of life reenter him. Wordlessly, Mickey stumbled to his feet and weakly pulled at Colin, throwing his arms over his older brother's shoulders as he hugged him. Colin froze before slowly putting his hands on Mickey's back and hugging him tightly. He tried not to think of how long it had been since he hugged Mickey.

Mickey pressed his face into Colin's neck. This, at least this, could maybe last forever.