Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 52

-If the entire area is snowing, maybe show some indications that it is before? Maybe show us the chill clinging onto his skin when he's pushed over by one of the gooneys and stumble into the snow. Maybe the ginger boy's hair is speckled with snow flakes, and his freckled nose is red from the cold. Maybe show the gooneys trudging through the snow while they surround him, and they kick snow into Amadeus's face. I was picturing a summer setting until you mentioned later on that it was snowing.

Apart from these points, as for how it was executed, it wasn't bad at all. It set the scene, telling us that Amadeus is bullied, taunted, and threatened often, is somewhat an outsider, and something happened to his father (passed away, maybe?). He's used to all this and he now knows how to handle the bullies. We know that the "wilderness" is a place to be fearful of. Great job with the opening of the chapter! 

Now, onto your questions. 

1) Does the story flow smoothly? Overall pacing? Well, overall, the flow of the chapter and the pacing was pretty good, I just think you have to work on smoothing out some sentence structures and focusing on showing more than telling. I'll point out a few examples here: 

-"The boys tensed up and all eyes turned toward the direction..." Show us how they tensed up. For example, "One by one, each boys' eyes filled with terror as they whipped around towards the direction Amadeus had pointed at, bodies stiff and frozen." We get a clearer picture of what they looked like at this situation. 

-"She was always the more optimistic one." Hmm, to me, I could easily tell throughout the chapter that she was the one who leaned toward the positive side of things even without this statement. Maybe omit? You don't have to tell us with the great way you showed us later on.

-Overall, I felt like the entire flashback sequence was a bit rushed. I liked how his parents pulled a fight, but I feel like it ended pretty quickly. Hmm, just a few suggestions here:

-Maybe have his father go out first, and his mother stays with Amadeus. Later, Amadeus hears them fighting, and a body drops to the ground, groaning with pain. As if on cue, his mother kisses him on his forehead and tells him she loves him, and to stay quiet and hidden. She pushes him under the bed and approaches the guards, and she also goes down. Later, Amadeus cannot do anything but watch as his parents are dragged away. Maybe they'll be unconscious/soundless/unmoving, so Amadeus doesn't know if they're dead or not. This might add on to the emotional weight of the traumatizing memory. 

-I might also add a bit more hints of emotions in the flashback scene. Maybe his mother's voice is shaking with fear, or filled with sadness at the thought that she has to leave her son. When his father tries to stall for time, maybe show his fear despite trying to look brave, or his preparedness to face the worst outcome (like clenching the broom handle tightly, a hardened, stoic expression on his face.) Maybe show Amadeus trying hard to stay quiet as he sobs silently, for he know that his parents' sacrifice will be a waste if he dares make a sound. I couldn't feel the emotional weight you wanted to show in the flashback scene as vividly as I wanted to, so I think these might help a bit. 

-When you transition to Madam Marcell's POV, maybe make things a bit smoother? Since starting from the description of the camp is her POV, maybe try to put "She scanned the area and Amadeus held his breath, staying completely still" to the end of the paragraph, "Lines of worry were beginning to...", and maybe replace it with a sentence showing Madam Marcell looking over at the camp. This might help smooth the transition a bit.

Network with this winner: swiftiegirl1010

1st runner up: tegan1311