Messages To Joe | J.S

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there is a lot of speech in this, so sorry, but it's worth it because the dialogue is a lot of explaining and cuteness and hate and yeah, but REMEMBER there is a lot of chapters to go still so it's not ending yet tah g'dbye
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Tuesday January 22nd 2019:

I waited all day just for a cancellation from Amber, but it never came. Unless she was going to stand me up entirely, I had all reason to believe she was coming and I was having a right nervous time going about it. Caspar's new apartment was still being decorated, and so had been letting stay in my spare room for a while, it's never that easy to get rid of Caspar.

'I thought you guys had a fight?' He mumbled, pulling a creased t-shirt over his head and grabbing a pair of shorts.

'We did, but we made up.'

'It's a trap,' he laughed, hopping one legged up the stairs with me shoving him from behind. 'What are you going to even talk about?'

'Anything and everything, anyway, I don't really have time to talk-'

'AMBER!!' Amber, who was sat at our kitchen island, stood up to greet Caspar, who had finally got his trousers on, with a hug. 'Joe was just trying to get me out of the house since he knows you like me better!'

'Oh get out!' Once Caspar was finally gone with his keys and his phone and his wallet (which he had to come back for in regular intervals) I sat down opposite Amber. There were a few awkward moments where the two of us waited for the other to initiate the conversation.

'Don't go to France.' I blurted.

'I knew this was a bad idea,' she hopped up from the table, her chair making a grinding sound on the floorboards. I reached out and grabbed for her arm to stop her.

'You said this needed to happen before anything went forward!'

'I know, but now I'm regretting my decision.'

'Please, sit down.' So she did, calmly pulling her arm out of my grasp. 'Why do you have to go for 6 months?'

'Because he is, and I like him, so I'm going to go too. His entire family is out there, and if I decided to be away from him for so long wouldn't that just show I wasn't properly committed to him? Like if I had declined Australia, wouldn't you think I was rude and ungrateful? Then you wouldn't want to be with me and nothing would've happened.' She spoke so passionately, and I was putting up a fight against something that really wasn't fightable, but if it was Amber, then I knew I could try to change her mind with a bit more luck than anyone else- except maybe Caspar, sometimes.

'But you could go for a little less time.'

'And what? Spend time with you? No, because you're busy and we can't go out anywhere because people suspect things and then it ruins your 'single-guy' image you seem to want to protect so much.'

'I wouldn't let my work get in the way, you know that, you're more important.' She sighed, and cupped her hands round her face.

'No! No, Joe you would.' Eventually, her gaze met mine, 'because I'm one person, but there's another six million, nine-hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-nine people and they will completely come above me. I'm not asking you to quit, I just wish you could be open, not care so much, and we'd be able to do things together without being so paranoid.'

'Alright, issue one out the way.'

'Don't say it like that, like it's sorted, all we did was talk about it. But, why do you worry so much about me and Harvey? You said it was okay in the first place.'

'Why do you think?! Because I like you, we never broke up because we didn't like eachother, and I'm willing to stop and prevent any problems that face us.'

'You know one big problem here Joe, which I never thought I'd have to say to you? It's that there's someone else, because you didn't do this a month or two ago, and in answer to your question about why I never told him about you, it's because it is complicated, you're complicated, we are. And I decided not to bore another boyfriend about a previous one? More normal than you thought, okay? But if that answer isn't good enough for you, it's because once I'd started to go on about you then I wouldn't stop, it would be Joe this,
Joe that. And I'm not denying I ever liked you, nor am I denying I like you now, but I can't give you anything more than denial. I know this may have been a fleeting visit, but I need to leave, I want to leave, because I'd feel more comfortable that way, and I'll make you no promises, because I can't keep them. It's not like I'm not far from your mind anyway Joe, there's a million - most literally - other girls you can have, prettier ones, kinder ones, easier ones, happier ones.' She was halfway out of the door and I was prepared to let her go and begin the three year gap all over again. But I decided that Joe wasn't quite good enough for this case, and so I stood up violently.

'You think you are never in my head?!' Raising my voice, I shouted aggressively through the doorway. I hoped my neighbours wouldn't hear, but then again, so what if they did. 'You're all I bloody think about! I wouldn't find anyone better fit for me than you, because who would put up with me for this God damn long? I wish you'd stop denying the fact, and you know it full well, that I love you.'

...and she left.