Journey in My Mind

Sparkling Lights

When you look up into the starry night what do you think of? The first thought I get is I want to be there in a place where light is emitted by important balls of fuel that all have unique names, I want to be surrounded by the emptiness so that I'm not alone. I want to hide behind the lie of beauty only to surprise you with fire when you get close... Sometimes I just want to go there because it's quiet, no one telling you what to do, no right or wrong, no concept of time... Just existing. But other times I look around me and I see my little sister smiling and my younger brother looking up to me and I am reminded that I don't want to go. Sometimes people ask me how I can be so positive all the time and I never knew the answer until now. My family, they are my anchor. When everything is haywire they are the people who keep me grounded, keep me sane. Lately though I've been a part of a broken family, with things happening that I thought only happened in hollywood movies. My core, if you will, shook and my smiles started fading and I've started seeing the cup half empty and everything became so blurry so slowly that I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. It's like when someone first suggests that you may have bad eye sight and you're confused because you thought everyone saw the world the same way you did. I have recently come to the decision that if I'm granted the entrance to heaven my first wish would be peace, and by peace I mean become nothing. I honestly don't want the bad, but I don't want the good either. I just want to take a break from everyone and everything but I can't. Life doesn't allow brakes, it just keeps pulling you in, like the tayar from the ocean. Realing you in, promising riches just to be met by the unwanted death. I think another thing that contributed to making me less happy is the way I got over my depression. One of the many videos that Onision, a youtuber, has on depression is a video in which he states most people who are depressed are just white girls who have first world problems. The truth is, that idea is what helped me get rid of depression. I realized that the true reason I started to be depressed and started to cut my self is to see if my mother would notice. She didn't. Nonetheless, I realized I need to get over myself, and as Onision stated that those people need to look at the people who have it worse then them, and see how much they are blessed. I used that way, and I became much better then what I used to be. Only now I realize that although I did become better I did not go back to who I was. I left that experience with scars that are sadly a constant reminder. So, I abused the way that was given to me. I stopped looking at those who where better then me. With that I became grateful, but I wasn't happy. I didn't want to be happy, because I knew many of the innocent children and woman and men of my country have become collateral damage of a war. That I can't be happy because many people don't have a bed to sleep on or the ability to survive... The list goes on. Now realizing that I'm slowly braking my self, reeling myself into some physiological illness. I'm so tired of it all, and I have no one to talk to. I don't think anyone would understand, because even I can't see what is happening to me... I just don't know? And I guess I'm writing this here because it's easier to be talk to people you don't know then people close to you. Anyway, I hope this will be the last chapter in which I am dealing with negative feelings. Because I am working on being better, and finding happiness again. Thank you for all the people who have stuck with me, it's amazing having you here :D

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