Behind the Scenes of Life

Chapter 9

I sat in my bedroom one Saturday, just taking time to myself to just really think about my life. My mess of a life. It was horrible to say the least. Everything I had ever hoped for was gone. I felt like I just wanted to die- fade away. I was sure no one would’ve missed me anyway. I was a burden to this life and I always got the shortest end of the straw. If I had never believed in bad luck before, I now did. Kerry, I am sure, did what she did unaware of the consequences. That…. I can’t even bring myself to say it. All I can say is, I hate her. I really really hate her. There were certain things I now knew. I had a new list.

Facts on Jane’s pathetic existence:

1.      It was Chace!

2.      Not that it matters anymore.

3.      He knows Kina told me.

4.      Kerry told him. (thank you Kerry!)

5.      He’s not doing it anymore.

6.      He’s angry at Kina.

7.      He acts normal around me (Nothing’s changed there)

8.      My life is ruined.

9.      I am never going be with him.

10.  Chace calls Kina a liar.

11.  Kina says Chace is lying.

12.  I believe Kina (why else would he be so angry?)

13.  I am not speaking to Kerry- Ever for that matter.

So now you know what I know. Isn’t it just amazing how one person can screw every freaking thing up? There tears start streaming down my face as I think about everything. I am alone at home so there is no chance of being walked on. Well Tisha is here, but she is in the bathroom, showering.

Have you ever felt regret so bad that it feels almost as if you could just pull back time enough to do a thing over? Well I feel like that. It’s as if my regret could almost channel up a portal that will take me back to the day where Kerry told Chace so that I could just stop her.

I hate this!!! I am so miserable and all I can do is cry. It’s back to square one for me. The initial heartbreak all over again. I was stupid to think that there was actually a chance of things working out for me. I was foolish. How could I so quickly believe that a girl like would get happiness like that? It’s like some sort of cosmic joke. I thought I had a shot, I actually did. I believed that one day- soon I hoped- Chace would walk up to me and ask to speak to me. I already knew what he was going to say, and I knew what I was going to say. I knew where it was going to take place, I had everything planned out. In my mind I wanted to be prepared for it. The situation had already been over-analysed in my head. I thought it was going to be perfect. I thought I was going to have my happy ever after. I thought… Well I was wrong. I was naïve. I was crazy. I thought so many things when in the end, it was never really going to happen. Fool that I was, joker in the King’s court. Nothing but a jester. Why? Why me?

There were no words to describe how incredibly hurt and dismayed I felt. I had felt pretty, wanted, like someone actually needed me, but it was all taken from me. God protects his children doesn’t he? Why didn’t he protect me? God never sleeps. Did he close an eye when this happened? Ask and you shall receive. Like I received Chace? Good things happen to those that believe. Like I believed?

“Hey God? Is this what happens to your children? Or am I just an exception? Didn’t you think I deserved this? Is this all part of your big plan? Because honestly, I don’t get it.” I sobbed. “And if this is part of it, then I want out. You said you’d protect me. I’ve given you my all, I’ve prayed each night. I’ve never doubted you. I’ve defended you. Other people, they don’t care about you, they don’t believe you. Why are they happy Lord? I have always been your faithful servant Lord, always. I don’t know if I can survive this. God why aren’t you helping me? You know what I am going through. Does it seem stupid and pointless and stupid to you? ‘Cause I’ll admit. This all over a boy, but you don’t understand. I don’t know what it feels like to be cared by someone that you’re in love with. I have never felt this thing called romance and this has been the closest I have ever gotten. And to have it all taken away just like that… It hurts Lord. It hurts.” I desperately tried to wipe away the tears. It didn’t help, there was always more to take the place of the ones I had wiped away.

I threw my head back on my pillow so that I laid on my bed. I closed my eyes and just tried to think. There were so many thoughts that I needed to sort out.

“I need to tell you something.” I had said to Kina after school on the same day that Kerry had messed everything up. Kina was standing under the tree opposite my usual spot.

“What’s up?” she asked me.

“Kerry. She told Chace.”

The anger was evident in Kina’s face. “What did she say?” she asked.

“I ‘m not sure, but he says he doesn’t even know you and he claims you’re lying.”

“That’s nonsense.”’Kina used a much stronger word than nonsense though. Kina started swearing at Kerry even though she wasn’t there. “That fish should’ve kept her mouth shut. He’s going to speak to me about it and then I’m going to be in trouble. I hate that Kerry retard. Couldn’t she shut that trap of hers for once in her damn life?”

I agreed with everything that Kina had said. Kerry was oblivious to the war she had started. A war, where my heart was at stake. Slowly I was losing the fight. At that moment Chace approached us from behind me. He had his usual smile on his face, but there was no warmth in it, just pure determination.

“Hello Kina, I need to talk to you.”

I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. I told Kina I’d see her later and then left. I stood on the other side, which was under the tree by my usual spot. I could watch their conversation. They both looked serious and it didn’t last long. After a few short minutes Chace just stormed off. I went back over the road to Kina.

“He’s pissed.” She said before I said anything. “He blames me and he just walked off before I could even say anything in my defence.”

She started swearing at Kerry again.

“I’m telling you, I’m not going to be nice to that fish in Accounting. She messed everything up.” Once again Kina used a much stronger word than messed.

A short while later- after a conversation where Kina and I took turns to diss Kerry- Kina went home. I was left alone with my troublesome thoughts. Even then I didn’t seem to realise the reality of the situation. The reality hadn’t properly set in and I didn’t feel anything again.

I was once again numb.

In Accounting class the following day, where I wasn’t speaking to Kerry, Kina was. It was only to say rude things though. Kina went on about how Kerry should’ve just kept her mouth shut.  Kina and I proceeded to make jokes about Kerry. Saying things like, “if you don’t eat your vegetables, the big bad Kerry is going to come get you,” and also things like, “if you ever want to watch a horror movie, just look at Kerry.” We were brutal and mean, but it wasn’t nearly enough.

When Tisha came out of the bathroom, I was still lying on my bed. She came over to me and sat on my bed.

“Jane what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I lied. I wasn’t one to speak about my feelings and I was in no mood to have my face flooding with tears again.

“Please talk to me.”

“I can’t.”

This felt so much like the conversations Kina and I used to have. Used to.

“Yes you can. Please Jane, you’re my sister and I don’t like you like this. Please.”

“I’m just thinking about what happen with Kerry.”

“Oh.”

“He’s never going to do it now Tisha.”

“I know.”

I wanted her to say, “Of course he will. If he really likes you, this shouldn’t stop him.”

Of course that wasn’t the truth, but I agreed with what I pictured her saying in my head.

“I’m going to sleep now.” I said to Tisha.

“Okay, but Jane just remember; No boy is worth losing yourself for.”

“But he was…” I mumbled to myself.

That night I only fell asleep at one in the morning. Not because I couldn’t fall asleep, but because I spent the night listening to music on my phone with my earphones. I was in need of some therapy.

I was in need of Chace.