Torn Tears

So Much to Lose

"He knew." I whisper after I've settled down from my sobbing.

Lucas nods. He's battling his emotions. I'm beyond caring about crying. Both Lucas and Elliot have seen me do it. Elliot is still hiding in the bathroom.

"He knew he was killing himself when he saved you and I never got to thank him. He saved me, too, you know. By keeping you alive. I can't explain how-" My voice stops working so I lay my forehead against his chest and knot my fingers into the back of his shirt. Lucas rubs my back kindly.

I had never wanted to discover what it felt like to be without Lucas.

"Angel, he knew how thankful you were. I'm certain of it. I didn't know Ricardo much better than you did, but he wanted to help. He knew his consequences, but he didn't mind the risk. He said as much to me when we were driving back from the lake house."

Elliot returns to the room before I dissolve completely to tears again. I step out of Lucas's embrace, still allowing his arm to lay across my shoulders.

I notice Elliot's eyes have a faint red outline ringing them. His cheeks are flushed with color. He's been crying, but from the rigid expression on his face, I can tell he's hoping Lucas and I ignore it.

"We have to ensure that his death wasn't in vain." Elliot declares. His voice comes out shaky.

"Absolutely." Only I notice the sarcasm in Lucas's tone.

Elliot opens his mouth to reply, but Lucas continues to make his next remark more cutting. "How do you propose we do that? Tell every unknowing citizen that their government murders the people who aren't blind to their ways? They'll never believe it without proof."

I intervene before they can fight. "Stop it. Surely, there is one good person in our governing body that has been too cowardly to do anything before now. We just have to find them and they can help us."

Even to my own ears, my plan sounds hopeless.

"Jess, I think the only decent person in the government is standing right in front of you." Lucas says without a trace of malice.

Elliot speaks softly. "There's going to be a meeting tomorrow about what to do since Lucas is alive. They might want to hunt you down. Both of you."

"So, we're screwed." Lucas mutters.

I suggest a plan no one will like. "No. What if Elliot and I go back to work tomorrow and resume the infiltration plans? We could listen to everything going on with the government and throw it off-kilter and no one would suspect Lucas and I of being a couple if I show back up to work. That would take some of the spotlight from us."

Lucas does not immediately react to my proposition. Elliot stares at me as though he knows my idea is our best shot. He cuts his eyes warily to Lucas, expecting him to blow a gasket, I'm sure.

"I'm not going back to hide at the lake house. They'll surely check out apartment to see if I'm holed up there and we'll be busted." He says at last.

"Lucas, you can stay here. I don't have anything in my attic and no one will expect you to be hiding in a city employee's house. Jess can come over and visit anytime." Something in Elliot's expression doesn't leave any room for argument.

"I hate that that is our best option. It's absolutely ridiculous." Lucas spits.

I speak up. "Actually, it isn't ridiculous. Nobody is going to expect you to be in Elliot's attic and whenever I come over here to see you it will make it look like I'm getting more acquainted with Elliot. It's a win-win. I get to see you and our butts are covered under the pretense that I'm becoming more involved in the government."