Torn Tears

Heart

When I realize sleep is just a dream that's not going to happen, I begin packing. I slowly fill a backpack I found in the bottom of my closets. When that is full, I find a sports bag and start in on it. When that is full, I find an over-sized purse and I pack as many notebooks and books and toiletries as I can into it.

By the time I am finished, it is time to wake up and go to work. I ignore the fact that my face looks like a corpse with my dark circles. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I tug on my black dress with the sunflower print on it and slop my hair into a high ponytail. I give Bruce his morning pinch of flakes. Lucas would be upset with me, but I choose not to eat breakfast. I cannot be bothered.

I walk into work twenty minutes early. Elliot is already at his desk.

He doesn't look up from his computer. "You're early, Jess." 

"I guess I am." My voice is hoarse.

He looks up, immediate pity in his eyes. "Did you sleep at all last night?"

"Yeah." Actually no.

He shakes his head. "You really aren't that great of a liar, Jess."

What you don't know. "I'm not wearing makeup, genius." I force a pathetic laugh.

Elliot shrugs, "I've seen my mother without makeup plenty of times. I know you aren't, but it's more than that."

I push my weariness into my words. "Thank you. How kind of you to notice."

Elliot looks embarrassed. "That's not how I meant it. You just seem dead. Have you eaten anything since last night?"

"I don't need you to be my caregiver, Elliot." I move past his desk and head to my office.

He surprises me by standing and catching my arm. His eyes look as startled with himself as I am. He drops my arm. "Someone's got to make sure you're okay."

I find it hard to put any force into my words. "I can do that for myself. I'm an independent person."

"Let me buy you breakfast. There's a bakery down the street and we have plenty of time before we open."

"Whatever. I'm just really tired." I sound grouchy, even to my own ears.

"You definitely haven't been sleeping, Jess." He takes my hand and starts to lead me out the front door.

I quickly take my hand back and tighten my ponytail. I ignore the hurt look Elliot gives me. I tell him without looking at him, "I'm not a touchy person." Translation: I'll never be interested. Take a hint.

"I see." He acts like he wants to pat my shoulder or something, but he keeps his hands to himself.

The bakery is only three businesses down the street from city hall. Elliot walks ahead of me and pulls the door open, ushering me inside.

The people eating their breakfasts barely notice us. They probably imagine we're just a young couple made to break,  buying donuts.

The thought makes me feel sick, but we're already here so I tell Elliot just one glazed donut. 

"I have plenty of money. I'll get you what you want, Jess."

I shake my head. "I can only eat one at a time." If Lucas heard me say that he would be on the actual floor roaring with laughter. I adore donuts. I remember.

"Alright, then." To the man behind the counter he says, "Two maple bars and one glazed donut."

"Will that be all for you two?"

Elliot turns to me, "Do you want milk or juice?"

"I'll get water back at work."

"Two chocolate milks."