Torn Tears

Perspectives

My grandma and grandpa tell me Uncle Lucas went to get Aunt Jessie. They seemed really sad when they said it, though. Both of them were kind of crying. They hugged me and each other a bunch. I don't get what's so sad, though. I get the bedroom all to myself for a few days like they told me and then I get Uncle Luc and Aunt Jessie. I'm more excited than when Lucas told me I was on my way to being a black belt Ninja Princess.

*****

My youngest son is gone. I have no way of knowing if I'll see him alive again. My granddaughter is excited because she thinks he's bringing back his girlfriend--the one who I've always imagined as my daughter. James is trying to hold himself together for Briley and me, but I see the cracks. When you've been married twenty-seven years, ruses of strength do not fool you. So now my Lucas is not here and I cannot trust that he will do his best to be safe. Not where Jess is concerned. Those two have a love every bit as strong as mine and James's. It's peculiar to see with their youth, but I have no doubt in my mind that either would willingly die for the other as James and I would for each other. 

That is my greatest fear--that I will lose them both.

*****

I never believed Jess when she told me that she and Lucas could not reconnect. I wanted to believe her. Oh God, I wanted to. But I knew that for the government to have harmed Jess and not Lucas for his own crime, their love must have been something far greater than your average teenage love story.

When Jess walked through the door on the day she got her application, I saw an incredibly brave young woman. Someone who could hold her own and walk into the place that wrecked her life. That's how I knew I wouldn't need a supervisor's consent to hire her on the spot. I was praised after for giving her the job.

Beyond her bravery and intelligence and overwhelming desire for information, I saw a certain fragility in her. The kind that only those who have been entirely broken can truly acquire. When I first noticed her scarred wrists, I imagined her having an unspeakably rough life, even before the government screwed her over. I saw her delicacy and I did not frighten me. It was inviting. She is a girl who has not been shown her worth often enough. I wanted to heal her.

I thought I might have been making a tiny bit of progress. She quit acting like she was hiding a huge secret. She came willingly when I took her for breakfast and she agreed eagerly to come to my house for dinner. But that was for her Lucas. I didn't mind. A girl with so many scars deserves happiness from anyone who can give it to them. If that person wasn't me, I could man up and deal with it.

Then, I got the phone call from hell, also known as the city jail. I took the message for my supervisor that Lucas James Royal had been successfully executed by means of lethal injection at the official time of 8:01 a.m. 

I hate it that I am the one who told Jess. I hate it with every ounce of fire in me. I will always be in her memory the boy who told her that the boy she loved was dead.

I know I wounded her when I wouldn't let her drive home and when I confiscated all of her razors. But that small wound is so less painful than the wounds I believe she would have inflicted.

I know Jess will never see me in the same light that I see her, but that is okay. I believe I helped her and I can live with that being the best thing in our friendship.

Not every broken being wants fixed. I know I don't. I push too hard, but that makes it harder for me to break. Success is my way of strengthening myself. If I don't let myself down, I have nowhere to go except up from where I began.

As I walk back through the familiar doors to my job, I make the decision to quit as soon as I can find one to replace it. Or maybe before if I listen to my soul a little closer than normal.

*****

I hauled Lucas to my house. A benefit of not having a spouse is the ability to bring home a maybe-dead body without rousing any questions.

I carry Lucas to my spare bedroom and deposit him in the bed. When I lean my ear against his chest, I can just barely feel the rise and fall of his lungs.

It gives me hope that my actions won't kill him in the end.

*****

I make myself a deal. I will wait twelve hours to the dot of when Lucas was killed before I do the same. I maintain the foolish hope that maybe, against all hopes, he will return to me alive. I should know better. Maybe, I'm just afraid.

Elliot called to check that I was breathing and to tell me he wasn't going to the party because he was going to quit as soon as he could find another job.

I suggested him to become a male stripper and he believed my joke to be a favorable sign of my wellness.

The clock is ticking. I am unafraid. It's been too long since I've been called Angel.

*****

"Lucas, please wake up. It's been eleven hours, amigo. I know your breathing and your pulse have gotten stronger, but you need to open your eyes."

For the first time in recent memory, I hear a voice. I know who it is, but I can't place a name.

"Lucas, your Jess has surely heard about you. She's probably crying herself to death right now because you won't wake up and show her you are still alive. Wake up for her, for your Jess."

Jess. Angel.

Damn, I need to open my eyes. Everything hurts.

"Lucas, amigo, I swear I didn't mean to knock you out this hard. Seven and a half doses was probably too many."

Seven and a half?

Angel needs me.

I somehow force my eyes open.

"Thank God!" Ricardo hollers.

"Jess."

"I'll get you there right now. I have some clothes that will fit you better than those."

I manage to push myself up so I'm sitting. 

Then, I vomit all over myself and Ricardo and his bed.

"I'm not even mad. Puke it all out if you need to."

And I do.

Once Ricardo gets me out of bed, I take a one minute shower and put on his clothes.

I pray to God that I'm not too late to save Jess from herself.

I'm certain she will hurt herself if she believes me to be dead.

I would.

Life and its promises are not worth much when your whole heart and half of your soul is gone.