Torn Tears

Pieces

When I wake up, Jess is no longer at her desk.

"Jess!" I fly off the bed. "Jess, where are you?" I dash into the hall.

I can not lose her. Not again, never.

"Lucas?" She slips out of her bedroom with a notebook in hand.

"Thank God," I murmur. I stride to her doorway.

"What's wrong?" She looks so innocent. I scan her face. Her eyes are rimmed with redness, like a desert on fire with hot rain. Her cheeks are slightly flushed, much like mine, I imagine.

"I didn't know where you were when I woke up. Why were you crying?" I gently touch her forearm.

"It's nothing." She turns and retreats into her room.

"What did you read?" I can only think of one thing might be in her notebook that could make her cry.

"You don't know?" She frowns and tugs the sleeves of her pullover lower.

She just confirmed my guess. "You never would let me read them." After a pause, I add,"I know your past, though. You told me." I fill my gaze with as much kindness as I can.

"Why would you ever want a broken thing like me? I can't wrap my head around it. Was I a charity case for you?" She cocks her head up at me.

I run a hand through my hair. This was never a question before. It was always obvious how in love we were. I take a few breaths. Let them out. "Your broken pieces are the puzzle pieces that fit with mine. You were never a charity case, Jess. You were just quiet, kind-looking girl in a bookstore coffee shop. We clicked perfectly. It was never about your home life. Shoot, you never told me anything until I saw your scars on accident." I entwine my fingers with hers and rub the backs of her hands with my thumbs. She doesn't try to pull away.

"Why did I write so much about the bad and so little about us?"

"I don't know, Jess. I don't know." And I don't know. I guess I never will at this point.

"Did I write to cope instead of-"She doesn't finish.

I can't imagine waking up and knowing nothing, but my name. I can't imagine waking up only to discover that I did terrible things to myself , that I almost went too deep on too many occasions. I can't imagine waking up and learning my own parents caused me to do those things. I can't understand Jess's life right now. But Heaven knows I'm going to try.

"Yes. You wrote to cope. You always refused to let me read what you wrote. It never bothered me because I knew about everything in your life. We're best friends." I release her hands and pat Jess on the back.

Her eyes are lost in a sand storm. She's trying to find clarity, scouring for it. "I'm hungry, Lucas."

"What do you want to eat? I'll make you anything."

"So I like chicken nuggets?" The corners of Jess's lips lift a little.

"And I can make the best nuggets you'll have in your life. You love to eat orange slices with your nuggets, too." I shouldn't have to remind her of everything. I do and there is nothing that will change that. So I will remind her until there's nothing left.

*****

Lucas wasn't lying when he told me that he was a good cook. He makes nuggets taste yummy. Or maybe it's been a while since I last ate. Once again, I can't remember.

"So," I say at last,"Why was I the one who was wiped?"

"It's a long, long story. It started with my job at the mechanic's shop downtown."

"You're a mechanic?" I need to quit questioning everything he says. The notebook's writing is in my hand. I checked to make sure my writing my name in the corner. Assuming I didn't write lies, Lucas is a respectful, honest, loyal. . . boyfriend. Just a friend, until I become close to him again.

He nods. "I heard too much about what happens in the government. The other mechanics were a load of conspiracy theorists. They said the power was going to be shut off city wide to save money. Jack up the prices on household items and foods."

I glance at my plate guiltily. How much did Lucas have to work for the food I've been thoughtlessly devouring.

Lucas holds a hand up. "Hasn't happened yet."

I relax and shove another orange wedge into my mouth.

"The city's too far in debt. They were planning on shutting the whole city off from the outside and making it a dome, essentially trapping all citizens inside."

He runs his fingers through his hair, disheveling it.

"The dome part is what got me in trouble," he lets out a nervous chuckle,"I was fool enough to think I could change it. I broke into city hall with another mechanic to try to find the dome plans."

"Did you find them?" I don't know why I ask. It's going to hurt to hear this. I guess I have to know if his actions were worth my memory.

"Andrew, the other mechanic did. The night guard caught us before I could see them."

"Did he get to tell you what the plans said?"

Lucas shakes his head. "Never saw him after the guard took him. That's confirmation enough that they're going to do it, you know. That's why they wiped you. They didn't think they could explain two missing mechanics from the only shop in town. They took Andrew and did God only knows what to him. They knocked me out and locked me in a secret cell. They told me what they were going to do to you, as a warning and punishment for me. They said next time they'd torture and kill you. "

I have no reaction to his words. I'm too busy watching the side effects his words have him. He's tapping the table repetitively in a distraught way, visibly chewing his lower lip to keep it from quivering, staring at his lap.

"I begged them to do it to me," he jerks his head up to me, eyes pleading for forgiveness. "God knows how I begged for it to be me. I knew there was no hope, but I had to try. They made me watch them take you and prep you for whatever they did to take your memories. I've never sworn so much in my life. Man, I screamed. They had to sedate me."

His gaze falls to his lap again. I believe every word he's said. He's all I have. I have to believe him. I reach for his hands. His blue and green eyes are widened with surprise. They're misty, like the sea on the morning before a storm.

"Just don't apologize. I'm glad you did what you did. Now, we know so we can fight. I'm a fighter."

"You are the strongest person I know. You've been fighting your whole life." His eyes have dried and hardened with resolve.

It wasn't a question, but it means so much more that he answered it than if he'd simply agreed. He's flattening the doubts out of my mind and pushing the pieces of him from my notebook and him in the flesh together into a whole trustworthy, caring person.