It Was Always Her (Preath)

Chapter 12 - Forgiveness

Christen's POV

"We need to do surgery right away"
"No, we can't risk that"
"We can't risk not doing it"

I overheard the doctors talking. They tried keeping it down, but I was more awake than they thought. It was easy to sense how worried they were, how they all knew this was bad news for a soccer player. They had given me something for the pain, but I still felt how wrong my ankle was. The bone, it wasn't in the right place. I could feel it.

Alex. The thought of her made me sick to my stomach. But still my mind wandered there ever so often. She went straight into that tackle, fully knowing what she was doing.
I tried going over the moment, the moments before. Did I do anything to piss her off, was there something I said? It wasn't.
This was solely because I got Tobin and she just couldn't deal with that. One hell of a way to not deal though. This is the dirties I've ever seen anyone take out their anger. This is my job, my future, my passion, my freaking life.
Now it could all be jeopardized because of her.
I never thought she would sink this low, I honestly didn't believe she was capable of doing such. I know Tobin didn't either.

Tobin. I don't know what to say. I'm honestly scared she'll hurt Alex worse than she hurt me, but I can't say I would care.
I know Tobin thinks this is her fault somehow, but it's not. She couldn't have known her ex would do such thing, no one can. You never want to believe someone you once cared deeply for, probably still do, would do this.
I'm not mad at her. Still, there's something I felt holding me back. I love Tobin, I really think I do. But the game, soccer, it's my life. It is what's always been there for me.
In a fucked up way, she's a part of what's possibly taken that away from me. I hate myself for even thinking the words, but I can't stop my thoughts. I can't control what they think. This tiny piece of me blame her on some level, and I don't know if I can forgive that if this goes terribly wrong.

**

"No, you don't understand. I need to see her." I heard loud talking in the hallway outside my room, and I recognized Tobin's frustrated voice right away. My first instinct was joy, then a feeling of uncertainty hit me.
I heard some weird slamming and knocking outside in the hallway, before my door flew open. Tobin was standing there, with a security guy in her heals.
"Chris." She said, looking almost shocked as she met my eyes. The guy behind her stepped in, trying to block her way. Tobin got hit back to the current situation, and angrily pulled her arm to herself. "Would you please tell this man that you know me?" She looked at me, practically ignoring the big man next to her.
I couldn't help but smile slightly, knowing how much trouble she had probably gotten into just by being here.
"It's okay, let her in." I said, nodding to the guy. He looked skeptical at Tobin, but eventually walked out. Tobin closed the door behind him, taking a deep breath.
"They sure take security seriously." She said, closing her eyes to get her mind where it needed to be. I smiled again now, feeling it was sincere. No one could made me smile the way she can, not when everything is so wrong.

"Are you- how are you?" Tobin said, not seeming to exactly ask what she wanted to ask. She was still standing over by the door, and I wondered if she thought I was mad at her.
"Come here." I patted the empty space next to me I the bed, hinting for her to come closer.
A relieved smile spread on her face, indicating she had in fact been worried.
Tobin sat down, immediately taking my hand in hers and kissing it softly.
"I've been better." I said honest, after a moment of silence. I saw the sadness in her eyes and it killed me, but I couldn't pretend to be okay for her right now.

"Christen, I'm so sorry. I never meant for-" Tobin blurted out, sounding like she had committed the worst of crimes. I broke her off by putting my free hand in hers.
"Don't." I said simple, not wanting her to apologize. It's clear there's lots unsaid, but this is not the time.
"No, I need to say this." She argued, trying to stay calm. I let her continue. "What she did, I- you need to know I'm not gonna let her get away with that. I'm not gonna forgive her." She was serious, more so than I've probably ever seen her. I didn't particularly like this side of her, mostly because I know this is not who she really is. She hates being too serious.
"I just, I don't get it." I didn't know what to say. The questions were still clouding my mind.
"I get that she was hurt and probably had some anger towards me, but this? Ruining my life?" I couldn't stop what came out of me at this point. The anger towards the forward was very much present, and it honestly bothered me slightly that Tobin cared more about how she now felt for her, than how I was. I know that's not fair, of course she wanted me to know she was mad too now, but it felt unfair somehow.
"I don't know what to say. I can't say I understand the slightest. But you're going to be okay, right?" She was more begging me, than actually asking. She needed me to be okay as much as I did, maybe even more.
"I don't know, Tobin." I said honest, knowing I may very well not be. "I'll need surgery, but they're afraid it'll be too risky. They won't tell me much because they're probably still not sure what to do. That's terrible news for an athlete. My body is my job, my life." I felt emotional all of a sudden, realizing it has really only been a question of time before the realization of the situation would strike.
I had been too occupied with being mad at Alex and worrying about Tobin, to actually take in the severeness of it all.

Tobin didn't say anything. She saw how I was on the edge of tears, and was probably battling a few herself.
"I just need to know one thing." She suddenly spoke up, her voice trembling as she spoke. It was like she was afraid to ask, but couldn't stop herself.
"Do you blame me?"

In that moment the question terrified me because I truly did not know the answer. I wanted to shot her the right answer, without a doubt in my mind. But I couldn't do that.