Three Words

Chapter 25 - Tris

I hear the door knob turn, and freeze.  Zoe's small voice comes from the door, "Mom?"

I clear my throat, hoping that I can disguise the fact that I've been crying, "Yes, Zoe?"  My voice comes out rough, but thankfully it just sounds like I've just woken up.

"Can I come lay down with you?"  Her voice barely above a whisper. 

I smile, "Of course."

I hear her come over to the bed, and I pull the blanket back so she can snuggle close to me.  I wrap my arms around her tiny frame, kissing her forehead.  She's quiet for a moment before softly saying, "I miss Daddy."

I pull her closer to me, "I know you do.  I miss him too."

She buries her head into my neck, "Do I have to go to school today?"

I think for a moment.  I know she probably wants comfort from me today, and I would honestly give it to her any other day, but I need to be by myself today.  As much as it pains me to say that to her.  "Tell you what.  Since I took today off, why don't we go get some breakfast, then we'll go put some flowers on Dad's grave, and then I'll take you in later.  Ok?"

I feel a tear hit my chest.  Zoe's voice is higher than normal, "Ok."

I begin stroking her hair, trying to soothe both of us.  This day is so hard.  Not only for me, but for her.  I know she misses her father, but I don't know if she is able to fully comprehend right now everything he will miss in her life. 

Matthew will never be there to teach her how to drive a car, see her off on her first date, see her graduate, or walk her down the aisle.  My chest feels tight from trying not to sob at the milestones in Zoe's life Matthew will miss.  My chest becomes tight, making it difficult to breath as I try not to sob.  "Mom?"

I don't trust myself to say anything, "Hmm?"

"Do you love Tobias more than Dad?"

Oh God!  I feel as if my heart as stopped.  I was hoping she would never ask this question.  I don't know what to say.  What do I tell her?  I clear my throat, giving myself some time to try and get the right words out.  "Zoe...I loved your Dad very much.  I was so, so sad when he passed away.  I will never stop loving him.  He gave me you, and you are so very precious to me.  I see him in you every day."  I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly.  "The way I feel about Tobias is still new.  We've only been dating a few months, but I do know that I love him.  And my love for him is just different.  It's not that I love him more than your Dad or less than your Dad.  My heart has just made more room for him too."

Zoe is silent for a few minutes, taking in my words.  I feel her tears on my chest.  I don't say anything yet; I will wait till she is ready.  This is the best I can do for her right now.  I don't need to discuss how much turmoil is actually going through me right now.  I need to be alone for that. 

"Mom...are you going to marry him?"

I smile into her hair, "Oh Zoe honey, I don't know.  Let's take one day at a time for now.  Trust me when I say marriage is something we will be taking very seriously, and you will be involved in that decision too."

She nods her head, breathing in a shaky breath.  I feel her tears still hitting my chest and continue to stroke her hair.  Trying to calm her down.  When she doesn't say anything for a while, I think we are done, when Zoe suddenly says, "I like him Mom.  I would be ok if you decide to marry him.  He makes me feel safe."  Her voice almost free of grief. 

I can almost feel my soul breaking at her words.  I can't stop the tears that fall into her hair.  My daughter has basically given me her blessing for Tobias.  Wasn't I just asking that I wanted a sign from Matthew that he was ok with Tobias watching over her?  My daughter just delivered half of what I asked Matthew for.  That he is ok with Tobias taking care of our daughter.  But then the much more difficult questions start pushing harder on my mind, demanding my attention, but I push them back again.  I can't have this conversation with my daughter anymore.  I can't.  I will be a complete mess if I continue.  I am the one that needs to comfort her, not the other way around right now.